Oblivious

Chapter 18

The car ride home was silent. Ayden pushed his hand through his wet tresses again and again. At least he had showered.

I didn't want to show him how much it hurt because I didn't want to blame him. I chose to be there, I chose to watch it all from the sidelines. Putting myself through the agony of seeing my best friend and now boyfriend take pleasure in someone else's body was all on me. I didn't have to be there.

We had kissed afterward, and I had tried to show enthusiasm. I had lied.

I had lied for both our sake's, but it was still a lie.

"Cal, can we talk about this?"

His comment came out of nowhere, and I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't prepared. I thought we would do like we usually did when something major was going on—we'd ignore it until it went away on its own. But things had changed. We had changed.

Not ready to answer, I stared out of the foggy window. I was a coward, but I knew that whatever I said would add to the pain. He would be hurt, he would feel guilty, and I didn't want that. I wanted everything to be like it had been before the shoot, when I still thought that I was strong enough for the both of us.

"Cal!"

Swallowing hard, I turned my head forward. I didn't look at him—I didn't go that far, but at least I showed that I was listening.

"I want to say that it was a mistake bringing you, but at the same time, it's good that you know."

Biting into my cuticle, I let my eyes wander to the outside again. I had no idea what to say.

"You said you understood why I'm doing this." Ayden's hand found my leg, squeezing it with a weak touch. He sounded defeated, like there was nothing left—like he had lost everything. But he hadn't lost me. I was still here. I was just confused.

Taking his hand in mine felt right. The feeling of his skin against my fingertips made me remember.

I loved this guy.

"I understand. I'm just confused about things. I wasn't ready to see the two of you. I thought I was, but I wasn't."

"It's okay. I just want you to tell me."

I laced my fingers through his.

"I need to switch gears," he said.

I smiled at that and let him go. His hand found the gear stick, and then it was back in mine—warm and comforting.

Letting out a soft exhale, I thought about the things Ayden had done for me at the shoot. All the small gestures he'd done to make me feel better. He'd tried his best.

"It feels wrong, you know." Ayden's voice seemed to tremble in the air. I wasn't sure I even heard him right.

"What?"

"I don't want to do this to you. It feels wrong."

It was the first time he'd said anything like that. Every emotion inside of me started to twist and turn, not really knowing how to express themselves. I wasn't even sure of what I felt. It just felt good. Extremely good.

Leaning over, I placed a light kiss on his cheek. My lips barely touched him, but I heard a sharp intake of breath.

"Jeez, I have to pull over."

Not knowing what he meant by that, I sat back and watched as he parked the car. He turned off the engine and looked my way. He held the stare for a second, then one side of his mouth quirked up into a grin. My heart started beating against my chest. Thump. Thump. Thump. I felt it all the way through my body. I smiled, too.

Ayden threw himself at me, pushing his lips against mine in a wonderful assault. His hands roamed over my body, touching everything he could reach. I couldn't breathe, but it didn't matter. Pulling at his damp hair, I got him even closer until he left his seat, straddling me in the tiny car. I was about to object that we wouldn't fit, but I never got that far. The way his lips moved against mine made me forget.

I don't know how long we sat there, pushing our lips and grinding our hips together, but it didn't feel like enough time. I hadn't had enough of him.

"Should we bring this home?" Ayden whispered between ragged breaths.

"Yeah."

"I need you Cal." It was a plea, almost a demand.

I brushed the pad of my thumb across his lower lip, amazed by how it glistened under the scattered streetlight.

He kissed me again. Softer this time.

He placed his fingers on my cheek, and if I hadn't shivered from the cold, I think we could have sat like that forever.

"You're cold."

"Yes, I don't know how..."

Ayden chuckled and pressed his forehead against mine, and it was impossible not to love him.

****

"Are you sure you're up for this," Ayden managed to get out in between kisses.

"Yes."

There was no hesitation. I craved this; I needed to know we were okay. Somewhere in my brain, a small voice called out and said that it wasn't that simple and that sex didn't solve all problems, but I decided not to listen. I needed Ayden's skin against mine; I needed to feel him as close as I could.

The initiative was mine, but Ayden took command, and it was exactly what I wanted even if I hadn't known it from the start.

I couldn't care as fierce kisses crashed against my lips while his hands roamed over my body. There was nothing left to think as I became lost in a haze, my knees threatened to give out. It became even harder to stand when he attacked the sensitive skin on my neck with bites and nibbles.

I found the hem of his shirt and tugged upwards, desperate to feel his heated skin beneath my fingers. He inched back, allowing me to pull the material off of him. Again, I was struck by the question of how I had managed to look at that chest before without really thinking much about it. Now, the mere sight of his toned muscles had my mouth watering. My fingertips grazed over the warm skin, eager to feel every part of it. He shuddered beneath my touch and pulled me in for another kiss.

My t-shirt was the next item to fly across the room, landing in a pile by the sofa. Ayden eyed it and nudged me. "Let's go into the bedroom."

Ayden's fingers intertwined with mine, pressing our hands together. "Come on." I couldn't do anything but follow. It was a moment of calm, of anticipation: a pause that only strengthened what I felt. I was eager to follow him, but at the same time, I wanted the moment to last. It felt so uncomplicated; just the two of us standing there, gazing into each other's eyes without questioning a single thing.

And when he smiled, I knew we'd be okay as long as we did this together.