Beautiful Illusions (Chris Motionless)

Hello Darkness, I Am Home

Victoria’s p.o.v

Title inspired by Hello Darkness by New Years Day

Sometimes I just wish I could shut my brain off to take the pressure off of my chest. Sometimes I would want nothing more than to just forget. 

At the same time, I don’t want to forget. I can’t let myself forget. It’s a reminder of all that I have done. It’s a reminder of the one I could never forget.

Today, seeing Chris today and being able to talk to him just like the old times felt amazing to just having a friend back. It felt like I had never left. 

I can’t let myself forget though.

Chris seems to happy today. I know I don’t know how he was doing while I was gone, but I assume that he wasn’t okay. By what he writes about, he seemed miserable.

At least I would think he was, but there is no possible way of me knowing that unless he tells me so.

But I doubt I could ever face him again. After I left and went over to my parents’ house, I was completely distracted by my thoughts.

My mom kept asking what was wrong but I couldn’t tell her. Better yet, I didn’t know how to tell her.

How do supposedly tell someone something horrible you did to someone you cared about?

Hey mom guess what? When I left for college I left behind Chris, and hurt him beyond repair. And also, I ran into him the first day I came back and said some things I did not mean but everything’s “okay now”, and I know that that’s lie because it’s not okay. I’m not okay. (A/N: LOL MCR pun)

He’s not okay. He wants to believe that everything is okay. He wants to be under the impression that I’m still the same person, and I want to believe that I still am but I know I’m not.

The girl that he cared about is no longer here. She’s been consumed by the monster that I am. Yes, I am a monster because I hurt Chris.

And he is oblivious by his past feelings that he doesn’t see how horrible I am as a person. There is something that he doesn’t know.

There was something I could have done to prevent all of this from happening but I did nothing! I could have done something to help but I didn’t.

And if he knew that, what would he think of me?

Would he be disgusted? Would he finally realize who I am? Would that be the thing that will make him let go of the past we shared? How would he react?

How could I say it? How do I even begin to express that? He’s going to take note of the horrible thing that I did.

And as bad as I want to forget about what I have done, I can’t let myself hurt him anymore.

Chris is oblivious so if I don’t tell him it might be for the best interest in the both of us.

Do you want to continue to lie to him and hurt him?

No I don’t because I know that I’m slowly suffocating from the weight of my past.

Look what I have done to him, how do I live with myself? Look at what he’s written about me. Look at how broken I left him. He could never forgive me, because I wouldn’t even forgive myself…

I was curled up in a ball at the end of my couch. My fragile arms were wrapped around myself, my chin laying gently on my arms. It was silent inside my house.

It was dark too. The only light that shined from inside was the light from my kitchen. Everything else was off. I’ve been sitting here with my thoughts ever since I came home an hour ago.