Beautiful Illusions (Chris Motionless)

What Will I Find?

Chris' p.o.v

I was freaking out on the way over to her house. One being that I thought she would find it really weird that I came there so she wouldn't even talk to me

Second, I thought she wouldn't be there or she would be asleep since it was about to be ten at night. Third, she told me to stay away and I didn't follow what she wanted.

Fourth, if she was there she'll tell me to leave. Fifth, the conversation would be as bad as yesterday's, maybe even worse.

And the list went on and on with worries and what if's. My mind was scattered to pieces, not knowing what to expect. I would try my best to keep myself together.

But I can't control the way she will react. I was hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

I only wish that she will give me the chance to explain to her all the things that I have done. It might not be a good reason but during that time the pain was controlling all I did.

And over the years, after years of pushing it in the back of my mind it took form in a different way. It turned to anger, it turned to hatred.

I was hopeless in my own mind. My heart could never hate her but my mind was the one that was focusing on that anger.

It had to be released, that when Puppets started. I chose the puppet because I fell victim to my own arrogance. I wasn't in charge of the situation.

The emotions and feels that I could not keep under wraps were the thing that drive me to this, drove me to feeling like a puppet because I lost her.

She walked away from me but that was slightly my fault to. She did say that she could stay here but I couldn't let her do that.

Since the moment that she told me that she would be leaving, I instantly knew that it would fall apart so I didn't try to make it work.

I gave up before even giving our relationship a chance. It was my fault, it was all my fault. She did nothing but went along with my stupidity.

When I got out of my car I could tell that she was home because the lights were on but when I knocked no one answered. I put my ear to the door and heard music was playing.

I thought that that was why she didn't answer the door because she couldn't hear. So I waited until there was paused and then knocked again, still nothing.

That's when I heard a door open but it wasn't the front door. It heard like it was coming from the back. I was hesitant on if I should head to the back.

But I went there away and when I called her name. She was sitting down on the chair looking off into the distant. I called her name again.

Either she was ignoring me or she wasn't paying attention to what was going on. The last time I called her name I think it registered in her mind that I was there.

She turned and met my eyes. She seemed surprise that I was there. My mind was telling me that I should get out of there but I saw that she had been crying and my heart was telling me to stay and try to make her feel better.

I sat down in the chair next to hers and started explaining myself. At first I thought she would reply to me in a smart yet we were having a conversation.

It was hard to say some of the things we talked about but they needed to be said, and she needed to hear those things. It was a big relief to having said those things.

It felt like we could now start working through things and finding common ground to help built back our friendship we both adored.

But I still feared that something deep within us change that would prevent us from being friends.