A New Battle

Agathokakological

Kaneki was sitting on the living room couch drinking a cup of black coffee. In his other hand he was holding 'Crime and Punishment' by  Fyodor Dostoyevsky. He was still on the first page. He has been reading for over an hour. The words seemed to blur together, forming nothing in his mind. It was as if the words were meaningless.

He placed the book on the coffee table in front of him and watched the steam raise from his mug.

Touka wrapped her arms around Ken from behind the couch. She gave him a kiss on the cheek. Ken sat perfectly still looking at his mug.

"Are you alright?" She took a seat on the couch right next to him.

"You know when you're drowning you don't inhale until right before you black out." He lowerd the mug in between his thighs. "The instinct to not let the water in is so strong that you won't open your mouth until you feel like your heads exploding."

"What are you saying?"

"But when you finally do let it in that's when it stops hurting."

'I knew I made a mistake falling in love with a boy who loves metaphors,' Touka thought. 

Ken tore his gaze from the coffee mug and met Touka's eyes. "I'm fine." Touka's eyes were wide, offering this disgusting pity to the young man. Ken snapped his head back down.

'What am I doing?' He thought. 'I'm being condescending. I shouldn't have said that. Touka is the one with real problems. How dare I bother her with my own.' 

She grabbed his knee. "Let me in. You get so lost in your head sometimes. Maybe I can help you out?"

'That was a shitty metaphor,' She thought. But she saw a smile tugging the edge of his half hidden face.  

"Everything's fine," He insisted. "Except for the not sleeping, the jumpiness, the constant, overwhelming, crushing fear that something bad is about to happen."

"It's called hypervigilance. The persistent feeling of being under threat."

"It's not just the feeling though." He clenched his knees. "It feels like a panic attack. Like you can't even breath."

"Like you're drowning?"

"... Yeah."

"So, if you're drowning and you're trying to keep your mouth closed until that very...last...moment. That gives you more time, right?"

Ken looked at Touka confused. 

"I don't have a way with words like you do, and I don't fully understand what you went through and are currently going through. But I don't have to understand to be able to listen. You're problems are not a burden to me. I didn't fall in love with you despite your problems. I saw your problems and loved them too.... I don't know if this is coming out right." She laughed.

Ken went to open his mouth, but before he could say anything Touka was running to the bathroom with her hand over her mouth. Ken ran after her and they keeled on the bathroom floor together.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the moment." Ken rubbed her back.

"See you have real problems."

"You're problems are worse then mine because you can't even seem to see it. I'm losing you and you're right in front of me." She sobbed.

"I...I just." he covered his eyes with his hand. "I know I'm hurting you by not talking to you, but I..." His whole body began to shake. "It feels... like I'm lying... None of it makes sense."

She rested a hand on his check and removed his hands from his eyes to see his tear stained eyes. "It doesn't have to make sense. Some things just need to be said so please, Tell me and we can try to peace it together." She used her other hand to grab his. "Together."

"What have I done to deserve you?"

"I ask myself that every day, Ken."

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The conversation in this scene was based off of this video