How I See You

Chapter 39 - Still Will.

This chapter goes to Us Against The World by Coldplay, enjoy :)

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I pull my phone out of my pocket and call Ayssa's mum, walking down the silent corridors. It rings, and rings, and rings. I haven't got far before I hear footsteps behind me and a hand rests on my shoulder.

Turning around, I see it's a big guy in a suit. A bodyguard. They seriously must be worried at this place because why would I try to attack my own girlfriend? He grabs me by the scruff of my neck and starts to pull me towards the stairs.

I really do need a fuckcing pass.

-

"Will? Did you call me, dear?"

I stare out at the lake and start to skim pebbles across it lazily. "Yeah, sorry," I tell Alyssa's mum on the phone.

"Oh. Is everything okay?" she asks gently.

I let out a long breath. "I wanted to visit Alyssa but they wouldn't let me in without a pass."

"You can visit her with me. Later. I'm going later today."

I nod, even though she isn't there, then I say gratefully, "Okay. Thanks."

"It's okay. See you later Will. Get some rest, you sound very tired, and you look tired as well these days." She sounds like she actually cares.

"Alright. I'll try," I say, even though I know I won't. Because everything I try these days never works out.

-

Katy is sat at my front door when I get back home. She looks up at me and reminds me of a helpless, wounded animal. Her eyes are so sad, without the glimmer of lit that was there before my prom night.

"Katy," I say.

She stands up and wipes her eyes. "Did you go to visit her?"

"Tried," I say, and take her place on the doorstep. I don't feel like going into the house on my own right now. "They wouldn't let me in though. You've got to have a pass. But Alyssa's mum is gonna take me later today."

Katy nods tentatively, then whispers, "Can I come?"

I nod once, and pat her leg. "Course."

"Thanks."

I close my eyes, and listen to the wind swirling in my ear, along with my breathing. I rock back and forth, still aware of Katy there beside me. I feel so tired but I can't sleep. I'm stuck in reverse and it's a nightmare. Everything is a nightmare. This whole thing.

"I know," Katy whispers. And my eyes snap open, heart pounding.

"Did I say that out loud?" I demand, urgently.

She smiles weakly. "Yeah." I watch her blonde hair, as light as a dandelion head, whipping about her face in the breeze, the shorter parts falling over her eyes. She lifts a shaking hand to brush it away. "I can't sleep either, Will. I can't sleep every night. I haven't slept in weeks. I'm too scared."

I watch as to my horror, she bursts into tears, her pale hands pressed against her face as sobs roll through her body. I have no choice but to hold her in my arms and cradle her head against my chest. I really wish it was Alyssa that I was holding, and I remember why I'm not holding her. Tears pop into the corners of my eyes and I have to squeeze them shut. The wind ratles around us as Katy impatiently rungs her eyes.

"Sorry," she gasps out, and the crying comes back to her so I just shake my head and stroke her hair. "It-it's just that, she's only fifteen. And if she lies in that hospital bed on her birthday, it's gonna be terrible. She'll miss the day she's sixteen! I just want her to wake up . . . It makes me question God's existence, things like this."

"If God didn't exist she . . . She wouldn't be . . ." I shake my head as a fat tear rolls down my cheek, and get out, "She wouldn't be here."

Katy looks up at me and try to wipe the tear away but she's already seen it. Who cares anyway? I don't care anymore about looking tough. "She didn't deserve it," Katy goes on, full-on wailing now. "She was so . . . So nice and kind and she never did anything wrong."

I gulp, to try and control my tears, but I have to bury my face in Katy's warm neck. The gesture reminds me so much of being with Alyssa, and I find my shoulders shaking.

"I don't know anymore," Katy breathes, and then sniffs. She lets out a sob and says loudly, "What does God want us to do? I don't understand it all anymore, praying doesn't seem to help and neither does doing good things."

I hug her tight and rub her back, and I find it feels good to have her arms around me. "I don't know, Katy. I don't know anymore. I can't-"

I stop speaking as I suddenly feel a violent splash on my neck and I open my eyes, lifting my head up. Staring around, I see rain and rain and rain, pouring and pouring. Katy and I jump to our feet as though burned and I pull my keys out as the rainwater mingles with the tears on my face. I get the door open quickly, pulling Katy into the empty house and shutting it noisily behind me.

Katy and I stare at each other, drenched to our skin, for a few seconds. I then peel off my hoodie and kick my Converse off. Katy slips her shoes off and pulls her jumper up over her head as I get her a towel to dry her hair. It's funny how you can become so soaked in a matter of seconds.

A few minutes later I am stood at the counter in the kitchen making hot chocolate, Katy sat at the table with a plate of cookies in front of her. I put her drink in front of her and sit beside her, taking a white chocolate chip cookie.

"Where's Niall today?" I ask her tonelessly, sounding drab and dull and emotionless all of a sudden. I think we both feel a little embarrassed after we broke down in front of each other. I mean, I haven't cried for years.

She shrugs, and sniffs, taking a sip and probably burning her tongue. "Ahh," she pulls a face and puts it back on the table. "That's hot. And I don't know where he is."

I nod, and stare at the table. I try to imagine life at Sixth Form without Alyssa. Thank god my dad stopped looking for houses in Oxford when all this happens. But then again, when Alyssa wakes up he could go back to it.

No. I can't let him.

I find that the room begins to swim before me as I see images of Tai and Zara, Evan and Reina, loads of other couples, and me walking down the hallway without Alyssa. I rest my head on the table and close my eyes, letting out a low sigh. "I can't let her keep sleeping. She has to wake up."

It's as if she's doing all the sleeping for us. We can't sleep, and she can't wake up. But I'm fucking sick of opposites, so I wish God would wake her up.

I look over at Katy, to see she also has her head against the table. But her breathing is soft and she has her eyes closed. I sigh and tap her shoulder gently, but she doesn't budge. I stand up, then hold her under the arms , lifting her over my shoulder. I bring her up to my room and lay her down in my bed, pulling the covers over her.

I feel almost jealous of her. How can she sleep all of a sudden? Why can I not do that? I feel so tired and uncomfortable and so fed up. I sit on my desk chair and stare into space, thinking.

Well, you'll never know what will happen until you try. I get up and stretch out beside Katy, turning my back to her and closing my eyes.

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