If I were to drop a pin in this room on the marble floor, the sound would hurt our ears. I silently sat on the armchair in front of his table, fidgeting with my fingers on my lap and my eyes fixed on the ground. Callum stared at me with fingers clasped together. He opened his mouth but no words came out so he closed it back.
I had sex with my therapist. I tightly shut my eyes, trying to get rid of the memories of him naked and on top of me.
"Audrey..." I jumped a little when I finally heard him speak. "First of all, I want to apologize. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have touched you."
"It's not your fault, Dr. Francois. Ako ang may gustong mangyari yun." I tried to keep my voice from shaking. Was it that horrible that he had to apologize? I felt even more embarrassed that I already was. My little meltdown ruined it.
"Did you really feel ready for that type of intimacy?" He asked.
"I... When we kissed, I felt like I was ready." I bit my bottom lip.
He nodded his head as if analyzing what he heard. He didn't speak for a few seconds and I felt like I should say something.
"When you were kissing and touching me, I really felt ready. I want to be normal again, to feel normal. You're the first man I've ever felt comfortable with since what happened. Binigyan mo ako ng pag-asang maibabalik ko ang dating ako."
"But you went numb when I got on top of you?" He asked in a very professional way. Na para bang hindi sex ang pinaguusap namin.
I slowly nodded my head. "I don't know why that happened."
"What was running through your head?"
I hugged myself and rubbed my shoulders. "Hinahanap ko yung takot na ipinadama nila sa akin, yung sakit. My body craved the pain and agony. I wanted to feel something."
"This is a sensitive question I have to ask you and I want you to answer with all honesty. Have you ever felt arouse while being violated?"
Suddenly, my eyes shifted away from him. I swallowed back the lump forming in my throat. "After raping me, they'd... they'd touch me down there. They'd play with me until... until I'd feel something... I didn't want it. Hindi ko ginusto ang mga ginagawa nila sa akin. I never told anyone about it. Just you. Lalo akong nandidiri sa sarili ko sa tuwing iisipin ko yun. I feel ashamed of myself."
"It's normal, Audrey. I know you didn't like it. It's simply a biological response that you can't do nothing about. Sexual arousal is housed in the autonomic nervous system, this is also where the fight or flight response comes from. That's what most women like you struggle with. Just because you're body responded to it, it doesn't mean you like it. A common analogy is tickling. When it's done against your wish, it can be unpleasant but your body would still respond to it. You grew accustomed to it that you're body had learned to associate pain with sex and pain became your pride at surviving."
"Help me, Callum." I pleaded helplessly. "Ikaw lang ang may kakayahan na tulungan ako so please help me."
"Audrey." His eyes turned softer, his hand reached up to touch my face. "If I had the power to erase all your painful memories, you won't remember a thing."
"But you do." Ipinatong ko ang kamay ko sa ibabaw ng kanya. I brough it to my lips and kissed each finger. "Callum, you made me forget. Kapag kasama kita nakakalimutan ko iyon. You're the only man who ever made me feel safe again."
He pulled his hand away. "This is wrong... I shouldn't have touched you in the first place. It shouldn't have happened."
It felt like a slap on my face. Para akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig. I blinked and shook my head. "Yung nangyari sa atin. Does it mean anything to you?"
