Blue Jeans»©

011

Before I was living my best life. Like always I did what I wanted stayed somewhat drama free, passed my classes with C's pleased papa hung out with the gang and just did me. I was not confused, I knew everything I wanted and I got what I wanted. I wasn't always afraid. In fact I would say u was fearless. I wasn't having to think about the truth all the time, because lying was easier. I was a junk rat you might say but I had my shit together. I was fine, foreal then.
Until I made the worst mistake if my life, that being. Letting Billy Hargrove back into my life. Kyper stayed the night, keeping me company, watching over me as I sat holding myself through the whole night feeling so many emotions that I hadn't felt before. So many emotions that I did not know I could feel. I understand now how closed off I was and as good as it would sound. No it did not get any better. In fact I know I am getting worse, because Kyper began opening up and yet I still hid my struggles.

Maybe I am being dramatic. Maybe Marley I just bored.

I don't know what to think. I'm trying so hard not to accept the truth that I am conjuring up these theories of why I can't remember a thing; why I can't remember that I can't remember. The more I think about it, the worse my headache gets. My stress levels have never reached so high, I might be developing grey hairs by now.

The sunset glowed orange through my silk curtains, it shied through and warmed the side of Kyper's face. His cheekbone was light in the sunkiss setting. He slept on the floor beside my bed completely dreamed but unlikely snoring. He was peaceful man when he slept. His Raven hair curled as he tossed and turned in the night. Not that it was my business but Kyper could not be doing any better than I am. You would think that someone who struggles that much at night is troubled in the mind.

I try distracting myself by being concerned of him, but it only comes back on me asking if he knew. If Kyper knows about the past I am unaware of.

It was one of those days when you just felt bitter and negative about everything. No matter how joyful the subject was you just found a way to make it seem so sad. Like you effected the environment by feeling hurt. You have so much pain since of you that it overflows and floods everything else. That is how it felt. Like I was living a music video. School was out of the question today. There was no way I will be facing Billy today, or Papa for that matter. Yes I have questions, I have so many I lost count; I'm not ready for answers.

This so surreal. I don't know what I am doing. Thinking that if I took time of will all work out, but the more I think about it. The worse I feel. There is no way I can just simply forget, I say I felt that something was missing but I thought it was my parents. I have never questioned where they were, not really. It was just in the back of my mind on my worst days. Now I know that it should have been the least of my worries.

The point was, I no longer felt like my home was the safest place for me. I felt uncomfortable and creeped. I just had to get out of there as quick as possible. Just sitting their I looked at everything I owned and operated that maybe none of this reflects on who I am but what Papa made me. I stepped over Kyper as he rested on the floor and crept in my toes around the room. I threw on a black hood and leggings. I grabbed my boots by the door. By now papa would either be baking for in the garage so my best bet was the window.

How random is that? Sneaking out the house through my room window? I have really hit rock bottom. Not that I haven't done it before. Just that I've only done it once or twice. I skidded across the roof and carefully balanced myself at an angle. I tried my best to control my breathing and focus on putting one foot in front of the other making my way to the back of the house where papa wouldn't see me making a very scandalous escape. When I reached the back I crouched down and sat on the edge slowly, lowering myself to the very edge so I can descend with pure upper body strength. I let myself drop down from the cold ledge and as my weight shifted my grip gave out and I landed in the stairs of the back patio. My ankle bent left and I tumbled down the stairs making just enough noise to startle the entire household. Despite the sharp pain in my right knee and back of my head I forced myself to my feet and ran full speed to the fence.