Battles for Love

The Battle for Oprah Winfrey

"FREEEEEDOOOM!" Dean bellowed as he ran through the field.

"Stop it!" Sean snapped from over his shoulder.

"Sorry, I'm Scottish," Dean said. "It's a reflex action."

"There's a car up ahead," Sean pointed out, his run slowly turning rightward. "I'm going to try and meet it."

"It might be the ones we're running from!" Dean said.

"In a Volkswagen camper? I don't think so." Sean was able to get in front of the van as it bounced and blasted its way down the road. Dean was sure it wouldn't stop in time but it did, just before Sean's toes.

"Duuuude!" A guy with a thick beard came out wearing only a pair of checkered woollen trousers and a bunch of wooden beaded necklaces. By this time Dean had caught up and stopped to catch his breath. "I nearly made you part of the road." He looked up and down at their striped prison uniforms and grinned. "Stripes make you appear thinner, so I heard. Good effort, boys."

Sean smiled. "Yes... thinner. We need a ride."

The man grinned widely. "We got plenty of room in the back, but I warn you, it's a bit smokey back there."

He wasn't lying. Dean looked at the camper for the first time. He couldn't see far in through the windows because there was so much smoke.

Dean put his arm around the man's neck. "You're a fan of giving strangers rides. Are you also a fan of sharing?" he asked with a light tone. Sean shook his head and laughed.

"Brothers, you stood in front of the right camper."

***

"We're in town," Sean said groggily, his eyes looking extremely peaceful.

"Sooo, you're a rapper?" a woman, twice Dean's age, said while twirling her hair.

"I ain't into that gangster stuff," another man said, the brother of the driver. "Where's the love, man?"

"Give me a few more minutes with this guy and I'll show you," Justine, the woman, said.

"No you won't!" the brother said. "Not after last time. Indecent exposure is a crime, remember?"

"Can you stop here?" Sean asked, patting his head. "Just five minutes. Need some new clothes."

"I'll get your friend out of his!" Justine said as if she was being helpful.

With a bit of a sway to his walk, Sean walked into a charity shop and checked out a few of the spinning stacks of clothes. Five minutes later he woke up and realised he'd just been spinning one and laughing at it. "Shit," he mumbled and picked up a bunch of random stuff. Once he felt he had enough, Sean nonchalantly walked out. By this time Dean was ninety per cent out of his, with the brother holding back a giggling Justine. Yawning, Sean threw all the clothes on top of him. "Going back for more," he announced.

"You're meant to pay!" the girl at the counter snapped as he was making his way back out with the second lot. Sean hadn't noticed her before. "This is a charity shop!"

"Hold these," he said in a level tone, handing her the clothes. When she folded her arms, Sean sighed again, put the clothes down gently and picked up an album cover from the counter, one of his and Dean's, and signed it. "There. Now you can buy another charity shop."

***

Wearing two baseball caps, a belly-button exposing haltar top and a pair of, thankfully, loose fitting hot pants, Dean dived into the small lake. He was quickly followed by Sean in his Hannah Montana T-shirt, pink skirt and frilly socks. When they emerged, they did so in the grounds of a great friend's estate. It was a good thing she was in the garden at the time. Oprah squealed when they emerged but didn't get a chance to say anymore as Sean and Dean leapt into their rhymes.

Sean:
We've been running through these woods for a long time
And now we're at the house of a queen in her prime
When she looks at me I shiver at my knees
Look at her, this beauty, her majesty
Won't you be my queen, Oprah Winfrey?

Dean:
Oprah, Oprah what do you see?
Two friends, dead on their feet.
From prison we did flee.
Now can you give us something you eat?
Maybe I could have you for dessert.
A little afters wouldn't hurt.

Sean:
Dessert sounds priceless
If you don't want to be my queen,
Let me make you my princess.
Your walls will be defenseless.
This Prince just ain't a symbol.
I'm daft and nimble.
With every touch,
You'll feel a tingle
You'll be my volcano
I'll make you erupt and tremble.
We don't need to go long term.
We can still be single,
So what are you questioning?
The answer's simple,
I'm coming in, girl.

Dean:
Could we hide from the authorities here?
Don't send us back to Lohan's sneer.
She could curdle milk and the cat too.
And maybe, while I'm around
You'll find, something you didn't before.
That you want me more and more.
And I'll fill all your needs
I'll make sure
Start, where you like
Let you ride me, like a bike
And in your room, let's install a mic
So Sean can hear what you like

Sean:
Check, check. One, two, one, two.
Can you hear me through this thing, dude?
Who were you saying something about a mic check to?
I'm already setting up with a video camera, fool.
Oprah and I are gonna put us on TV
So that everyone who watches OWN can see
She'll keep us safe from the authorities
But you'll have to take the guest room, Dean
Me and Oprah will be doing some things
So go flip the the channel and be overcome with jealousy

Dean:
Doing some things?
Like her running, you chasing.
And never facing.
That she ain't the one for you.
All you gonna do is spook her
Leave your perverted ways at the door.
Camera, TV? You're talking to Oprah
Not some two bit whore.
Treat her with some respect,
Or you're going to get us wrecked.
By her security.
We need this don't you see.
So leave her to me.

Oprah smiled when they had finished and gave both of them a hug. "I was worried about you boys after what I heard on the news. That troubled Lohan girl is creating quite the stir." She ushered them indoors for the night, but not before turning to Dean and saying, "Not a two-bit whore indeed, but I know a few things." With a final smile and wink at Sean, she led the rappers in and closed the door behind them.