Battles for Love

The Battle for Lindsay Lohan

Dean and Sean were seated on a workout bench in the prison's yard. Zachary and his man were there helping them stay fit.

"That's it. Push!" Zachary encouraged Dean's bench presses. "Only three more until you reach one thousand." Dean finished up his set and gave way for Sean, who had been waiting patiently.

"One, two..." Sean began with quick lifts of the two hundred pound weights.

"So I hear the whole jail's been talking about your raps. Even the warden's been curious about you monkey boys," Zachary's man said.

"Eighty-four, eighty-five."

Dean looked at the huge man, but made sure not to make eye contact. He didn't want to disrespect the meanest thug in the entire jail. He looked over at Sean who seemed to have heard nothing of the conversation.

"One hundred fifty-five, one hundred fifty-six."

"Warden Lohan was really interested in you boys," Zachary said, pointing at Dean. "The rumor is that she's thinking about keeping you here forever."

Dean raised his eyebrow. "Our sentence was eight months, not eight years."

"Four-hundred twelve, four hundred thirteen."

Zachary shrugged. "That's the rumor."

Dean looked over at Sean again, who was still too focused on his lifting. If there was a chance to get out of this shithole, he'd do whatever it took, and he knew Sean would agree.

"Nine hundred ninety-nine, one thousand," Sean said, putting the weights back in place and wiping off the sweat on his brow. "We'll just have to go see the warden and do a bit of convincing," he added with a wink.

                                                                                    ***

"Get up. You're going to go see the warden." A grim-looking guard said as he clattered on the bars of Sean and Dean's cell.

Sean opened his sleepy eyes and roused Dean. They followed the guard to the warden's office. Instead of knocking, the guard pulled out a blank notebook. "Um..." he hesitated. "Before you go in, I'm starting an autograph collection, and I'd like you to be my first. What do you say?"

Sean and Dean exchanged looks, shaking their heads. They signed the paper and went into the office.

Warden Lindsay Lohan was there in a surprisingly sexy outfit for any practical police work. She held a baton in her hand and slammed it onto the desk. "Sit!"

Dean and Sean obeyed without a second thought. This was not a woman they wanted to piss off. After years of spending time in jail for her crazy drug usage and violent outbursts, Lindsay had decided the best place to work would be in prison. She started off as a guard, but quickly rose the ranks given to her Machiavellian ideologies. Soon she was the warden and held the prison with an iron fist.

"You two are going to rap for me or spend the rest of your time here on toilet cleaning duty."

Sean and Dean immediately rose and said they would rap in unison. Lindsay smiled and had them start.

Dean:
Lindsay, Lindsay, what do you see?
That's right, you and me
First comes love, then comes marriage
While Sean rocks back and forth in a baby carriage
Cos he can't have you, I got there first
And he couldn't compete, you realised he was the worst.
So shall we, you and me?
Go be free, travel the world
Come on, let's go, we have some sites to see

Sean:
Pish posh, don't listen to this British "trosh"
Can't you see he's got no panache?
Come live it up with a real boss
Got style and class, don't need no gloss
No baby here, ain't no frosh
Just me and you by a fire place eating spaghetti and squash

Dean:
What is this is meant to be?
A coherent rhyme?
I think not, g.
Look at this fool
This lyrical crime
No wonder he's doing time
Lindsay he ain't for you
So what you gonna do?
Me, that's who

Sean:
He says lyrical crimes, but they're feelin' so fine
And you know what it's like doing time
But have you ever done it with a body like mine?
Forget the diamonds, I'll even make your coals shine
Let him use his eyes to brine,
Tears flowing down while he watches us dine
I can get you drunk on love, here have some wine

Dean:
Better, you actually had some flow
"Some" being the decisive word, yo.
But its better than nothing, as you usually do
It's weird, something of this quality coming from you,
Never mind, I'll put this behind
Me as Lindsay and I bump and grind

Sean:
Ain't nothing wrong with a little bit of bump 'n grind
But you and her? you're outta your mind
I got more to give than you could ever provide
And don't hate on my flow, it's divine
Just 'cause you can't match it, no need to deride
Lindsay and I are two, into one combined

The jail alarm went off and stopped the battle before it could finish. Lindsay rushed out the door to see what the commotion was about, but Sean and Dean only exchanged knowing glances. Lindsay came back in to tell them not to move. Then she left to contain the commotion.

Dean and Sean immediately got up and ran out the door. Before making their way to the nearest exit, Dean looked back, ignoring Sean's looks, to see Zachary and his man fighting side-by-side with plastic knives in hands. The massive man caught his eye and grinned. "Goodbye, monkey boys!"

They had planned for an escape long before the warden called them in. They had no wish to stay in jail forever, and the other inmates had volunteered to help. Those rap skills were especially helpful in jail, and the free concerts they put on finally came in handy. As they ran out, Lindsay saw them, but the boys were too quick. By the time she caught up to them, they were outside and nearly over the fence to freedom.

"Do we shoot?" the guards asked.

Lindsay hesitated, obviously in love with them after the display of such awesome rap. By the time she made up her mind, Sean and Dean were gone.