Always: A Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 84

Peeta
I'm really worried about Katniss. I've never heard her talk about killing herself. Even the thought feels like a knife to my heart. Sure, she's said that it would be better if she ate the berries in the Games. And when Prim died, she tried to eat the nightlock pills, but I stopped her, gaining a scar from her bite on my hand. But I understand all of those times. I know there would be many people still alive if she had died in the Games. I can see how she gets to that idea. I, myself, wonder what would have been different if I ate the berries. And the other time, she just watched her sister get blown to bits. But she's never said anything about really, seriously dying. I shudder at the thought of Katniss hanging from a rope in our bedroom. I can feel the blurriness of tears beginning to form in my eyes but I blink them away.

She keeps telling me that I should get out of the house and do my volunteer work in the Seam, but I don't want to leave her. I was thinking about stopping anyways. I know I should get a job, to keep me busy, but Katniss and I have so much money still from the Games. I feel like it'll never run out, but I wouldn't get too hasty. Combining Katniss and my riches, we are the wealthiest people in District 12. Even Haymitch has less than us, which is understandable. He spends all of his wealth on alcohol, but I've noticed since he stopped mentoring for the Games, he's been cutting down a little. I'm glad I only had to do it once. Otherwise, I'd probably turn into another Haymitch, and then where would I be? The Capitol Games were horrible for me. I don't care if they were Capitol kids or not, they're still kids. They're still people. I couldn't send them off to they're death, practically killing them. And I've had my share of killing people in my lifetime.

***

It's been a few weeks since Katniss came home from Massie's. She practically shoves me out the door now. I never say so, but I do want to get outside on some days. But at the same time, I feel like I have to be with Katniss constantly. I feel like I have to protect her from herself, somehow. I'm terrified of coming home one day, finding that she's dead.

Today though, I don't leave. Katniss is upstairs sleeping. Or, pretending to be asleep anyway. I lie on the couch and try to keep my eyes open. I haven't been sleeping well. I have too many thoughts constantly running through my head. Eventually I drift off to sleep.

I walk through the doorway of my house to find an eerie silence. I hang my coat on the coat hanger and glance around for Katniss. Fear plummets to my stomach. I check everywhere for her on the bottom floor, terrified of walking up those stairs. I take a few steps up, the gnawing feeling growing with every one. I call her name a few times, only to get a silent reply of nothingness. Our bedroom door is closed. I try to tell myself she's just sleeping inside.

First, I check the other rooms to find them empty and untouched. My hands close around the brass doorknob to our room. I pull on it but it's locked. I pound on the door. "Katniss, open the door." There's no response and the gnawing feeling reaches the highest it's ever been. I feel like I'm going to puke. I use my shoulder the break open the door. Immediately I wish I hadn't. Katniss is lying sprawled on the floor, her dark hair undone around her shoulders. Her gray eyes are open and glossy.

I kneel down beside her lifeless body, a numbness taking over me. It's when I lift her head onto my lap is when I start yelling. I yell for her to come back, and I yell at myself for not watching her close enough. No one ever comes to help me. No one will ever be here again. She was it. She is gone.

I wake up screaming. I run up the stairs to find the bedroom door wide open. Katniss is sound asleep on the bed. I even move closer to check an see if I can hear her steady breaths. I run my hand through my hair and try to calm myself. I can still feel the gnawing in my stomach, even though the nightmare is over. I shakily sit down in the white wicker chair by the window. I don't leave that spot until Katniss wakes up. I'm almost afraid to. Afraid of what would happen if I left her side.

I guess I kind of have a long explanation to give you guys. I haven't updated in a long time. Well, to me it feels like a long time anyway. But I play volleyball and practice is practically all day long so I have like no time to update at all. So sorry about that. It ends Thursday though, so hopefully my schedule will get back to normal then.

Anyway, I love you guys so much. I love all of my readers, no matter what. Why am I telling you this? Because while I was gone, I got tons more reads and I'm now up to 100K!!!!!! I never, never, ever, never, ever, ever, never thought I would EVER get to 100K. Honestly I'm fine with like 100 reads. Someone's reading right? I just...words cannot express how happy I was when I saw that big fat 100K on my page today. I almost cried. Seriously. Just know, that there is always someone who loves you; me. <3 Thank you!!!!