Always: A Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 136

Katniss

Eventually, I manage to cry myself to sleep, visions of the dead haunting my dreams. When I wake again though, Peeta is not here to comfort me. The memories of the previous day rush back to me at once, guilt erupting in my stomach. I lie motionless beneath the mounds of plush, white blankets. I have no one but the demons in my head. I replay the expressions of the people I hurt yesterday in my mind. Peeta's sad eyes seem to stick with me the most. I hate the way he looked at me with every ounce of my entire being. His eyes were filled with pain, sadness, and most of all, replusion. 

When there's a knock on my door, I feel my heart rise for a split second. I had almost hoped it was Peeta, though I knew it wasn't. And I was right. It's not Peeta who steps through the door, but Haymitch. "Hey sweetheart," he says, softly shutting the door behind him. I bury my face into the comforter and try to block him out. 

"What do you want?" I scowl. 

"I want to know what you said to Peeta," Haymitch asks, sitting beside me on the bed. 

I sigh and whisper, "I didn't mean it. He took it the wrong way." 

"Well I guess so," he mumbles. 

"What do you mean?" I ask, peering my eyes through a gap in the blankets. 

"He had a flashback." With that, I lift my head completely, worry rising rapidly in my chest. I've caused Peeta more pain than I thought. Once again, I've done the opposite of what I intended. 

"What?" I gasp, my eyes beginning to water. "What happened? Is he okay? Is Willow okay?"

"Calm down Katniss, Willow is fine. He left her with Effie and I when he felt the flashback starting. Locked himself in a different room, but we could hear him sobbing. Effie had to take Willow over to our room. 

"What about Peeta? Is he alright?" 

"Think so. He hasn't come out of his room yet."

Anxiety continues to flood my body. How could he not know? Peeta could be hurt, or worse. "How do you even know he's alive?" I ask. 

"I've spoken to him, but he refuses to open the door. Not until we have to leave." 

"It's all my fault. It always is," I whisper, a tear slipping from my eye. "The reason why I pushed you away in the first place is because I wanted to prevent you from getting hurt by me. But now I've done exactly that."

I sigh and lean my head against the wall behind me. "Everyone would be better off without me. . ."

"Katniss, you can't go down this path again, not like you did before. You have a little girl now. A daughter, who from now on will look up to you whether you like it or not. You have to be strong for her. And if you've made it this far sweetheart, you sure as hell can keep going." Haymitch stands and opens the door to leave. "The train getshere in an hour. Clean yourself up. Apologize to Peeta, don't apologize to Peeta. Either way, we're getting out of this place. I think we could all use home right now."

***

Peeta stays true to his word and refuses to come out of the extra bedroom until we absolutely have to leave for the train. Though, he is the first one to get into the car. He chooses to sit in the front seat next to the driver. I assume it's because he's avoiding even looking at me. I can't blame him. I would probably just set off another flashback, anyway. 

I take the back row of seats all to myself. Willow sleeps, wrapped in the quilt gifted to her by Rue's sister, in my arms. I sway her back and forth, humming quietly to her so no one else will hear me. When I look at her, new waves of strength course through my veins. Strength I didn't know I had. Haymitch is right. I do have to be there for her. After all, she's the one who is willing me to go on. Even if she's doing it unintentionally. It's not fair of me to deprive her of a good, happy life. She deserves the world. I want to give her everything I didn't have. I want her life to be as different from mine as it can be. And I guess I'm the only one able to make sure that she lives a life unlike mine. I want to give her happiness instead of pain. I want her to feel free instead of imprisoned. I don't want her to carry the weight of an entire country on her shoulders. No one deserves that. I wouldn't wish what I've been through upon anyone.