Always: A Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 132

Katniss

When I wake again the next morning, my head pounds and I can't see straight. My memory of everything past the interview is a blur. I only vaguely remember saying goodnight to Willow and the silent car ride to back to our room. After that, I can't quite sort out what happened. Maybe this is how Peeta felt after he was hijacked. He couldn't distinguish the real memories and the ones that were implanted into his mind by Snow. 

Peeta sleeps peacefully beside me. I feel guilty for completely letting myself go last night. I know that it would have been wiser to resist the temptation of alcohol and to get through the night with him. I know he must be beyond upset about the interview too and I know I should have been there for him. Peeta has always been there for me, for as long as I can remember. But that's the difference between us. I'm selfish and he's the opposite. He would do anything to take care of me, I know that. I wish I was different. I wish that I could give him everything that I know he deserves but I'm stubborn and selfish and hot-tempered. I'm in no way good enough for him, but he chose me anyway. He still chooses me over everyone, including himself. For that I will never be able to repay him. 

I push a lock of blond hair away from his eyes and he stirs. When his eyes open, it takes him a moment to take in his surroundings, but when he sees me his eyes immediately glance away. That's when I know I've done something wrong. But how could he blame me? I had been drinking and he had to have known that I didn't mean whatever it was that I said. 

He slips out of bed and gets dressed without saying a word to me. When he's finished, he momentarily glances at me and bluntly says, "We have to leave for the ceremony in an hour. Get dressed." Then he leaves me alone in our bedroom. 

A pang of guilt washes over me. What could I have possibly done to make him so angry with me? I've only been truly drunk once in my life. I don't  know what I'm capable of doing or saying. 

The last time I was drunk was only a week after Peeta came back from the Capitol after the rebellion. We had only spoken several times and only about simple things like the weather and his improving condition. We never spoke about the war or Prim. But I thought of it. Every single second I thought of it. There was nothing anyone could do or say to distract me. Everything I saw reminded me of her. And I just couldn't take it anymore. After Peeta left my house that afternoon, I buried my face under thick wool blankets with Buttercup and I sobbed so hard it hurt. I didn't know what to do. I felt so empty. I would be lying if I said I didn't consider ending it all. At that time, I had nothing to live for. Peeta and I were hardly even talking. My mother and Gale were in different districts. I had no one. My father was dead. My sister was dead. My friends were dead. Everyone I had ever possibly cared about was dead. So why shouldn't I be too? I remember thinking that over and over again that night. 

So, I snuck into Haymitch's house to take some of his liqour. It wasn't even sneaking, really. He was out cold, passed out on the couch. He didn't even stir and I'm almost certain he never realized that he was missing any bottles. A few days later I bought him more anyway. 

I don't remember much else from that day other than drowing myself in alcohol and tears. After that, everything began slowly getting better. Spring had arrived with more people to help rebuild the district. Peeta's visits become longer and more frequent and our conversations got more in depth. Slowly, I felt less alone. And until last night I've resisted the urge to drink. I'm not even sure why I did it. I didn't feel alone, but I felt betrayed. I know that I still have my gorgeous daughter and my wonderful husband, but I felt as though the Capitol had betrayed me. It's not a surprise.  What they showed to Peeta and I, in front of the entire country, makes me sick to my very core. How could they even think for one second that I would be thankful? That I would be gracious for the showing of all of my loved ones deaths? The Capitol hasn't changed and it never will. They're still the stupid, vile people that they were when I was in the games. People wonder why I chose to stay in District 12. For a long time, my mother tried to convince me to move in with her in the Capitol. I could have had everything, what with the wealth that I have. But it's not that I don't want to escape the memories and the famine of District 12. It's that I don't want to have anything to do with the Capitol or its people. 

But look where I am now. I've only been here for about two days now and they've already managed to break me once again. 

I finally force myself out of bed and into the clean clothes that have been neatly folded in a drawer at the foot of the bed. Peeta is in the kitchen, busying himself with a plate of a Capitol breakfast filled with eggs, warm bread covered in deep red jam, iced fruit, and sausage links. I take the seat across from him and begin to fill my own plate. I eye him cautiously as I pick up a blackberry with my fork. 

As soon as I begin eating, he's already up and cleaning off his dishes in the sink. "Peeta, what did I do?" I sigh. He doesn't speak for a few minutes, but I don't ask again. I know he'll tell me eventually. He won't ignore me. 

"You were drunk," he mumbles. 

"I think I know that part," I scowl. "I mean, why are you so angry with me?"

"You don't remember?" he asks. I shake my head in return. "Well, then it didn't happen. Forget it."

"But it did happen. And you're upset about it. So just please tell me so I can fix it."

"You can't fix it. It already happened. It's fine."

"It's not fine!" I retort. "You're obviously angry. Why won't you just tell me?" 

"Because Katniss!" he says, exhasperated. I scowl and stand up from the table. I walk over to him and wait by his side for him to look at me. He sets the dishes in the bottom of the sink and sighs. "I haven't seen you like that for a long time."

"Like what?" 

"Broken." 

"I'm not. . ."

"I know. I know you're fine now. But last night. . .I was afraid that I'd lost you for good. I was afraid that you would turn into Haymitch and leave Willow and I on our own. It was like you were a different person."

"Peeta, I'm not going to do that."

"But you didn't see how you acted last night. That interview hurt me too. We didn't even get a chance to talk to each other. It was like that barricade you used to put around yourself was back up. I felt just as alone as you did."

We stand in silence for a moment before he speaks again, "Why did you do it? Was I not good enough for you?" 

"No! No, you're too good for me. I don't deserve you."

"Then why did you do it?"

"I don't know. You've just always been there for me. This time felt different. It felt like I had just watched my sister die. Like I was back being eighteen again. I felt like I had to deal with it on my own and when I couldn't I turned to drinking."

"You know you never have to deal with anything alone. I'm here for you and I always will be. I vowed to that the moment I decided that I love you. It's never going to change. I still love you and I will forever. I promise you, Katniss. You never have to feel alone."

I blink away the tears in my eyes and wrap my arms around his neck. I regret last night, I really do. I know that I hurt him, but that was never the intention. I never want to hurt Peeta. He's too good, too gentle. He doesn't deserve what he got. He deserves the world. 

"I love you, Katniss," he says.

"I love you too Peeta. Always."

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Aww omg my poor Everlark shipping heart. 

Okay so the last few chapters of this book have been kind of depressing so here's a cute, short lil everlark chapter for you ;) 

Anyways I don't really have that much to say OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT MJP2 COMES OUT ON DVD IN TWO WEEKS IM NOT OKAY

So yeah since that's my spring break expect the next chapter around there or sooner :) 

Hope you liked this chapter! Be sure to vote and comment feedback, I love replying and talking to you guys :D 

-booklover2019 <3