Day four of working out and I want to die. I have not moved like this since the beginning of high school cause that's when I did dance. High school gym class is a joke. And I'm really pushing myself because even though I don't hate myself like I used to. I want to stop cringing when I feel my stomach touching my legs when I lay in bed. I'm 21 and it's time I take control of my life. I've just been pushing myself as hard as I can. I do as many sets as I can of 50 squats 10 jumping jacks 50 sit ups 10 jumping jacks another 50 squats 10 jumping jacks and 50 push-ups. I choose these to target my problem areas and the jumping jacks are for cardio. Eventually, it's I'm going to start controlling my eating. And this won't start an eating disorder because I had one and now I have another so I'm trying to stop the one I have now. I want to give up cause it's so tiring but I know I can't. I'm pushing myself as hard as I can. Listening to BTS helps distract me from the pain. It all hurts and it's starting to making my bad knee hurt. I also have to cook today and I really really really don't want to. I wish I could just focus on working out. I think thinking about everything else is stressing me which makes me put stress on my body. When I get stress, depressed or really anxious my body can make itself sick. The most common way that it appeared was all my skin felt like it was bruised and it hurt like hell. Now its mostly feeling like I'm going to pass out and makes me nauseous. I'm naturally a very sick person. I've always had something wrong with me since I was young. So now its hard to tell when it's my body and when it's my brain. Even when it's my mind it is still very real. I'm so sleepy I want to go to sleeeeep. But I have to do my chores and then do three more sets and then figure out what the heck to cook for dinner. I think that's it for now.
