I feel like a girl. The sounds so weird to say but I mean it in the way the a girl is so young and happy and innocent. My feeling make me feeling like I'm getting ahead of myself but I don't know. Is this what I always do? I can't really say but I usually know by now that I don't want to be going this way anymore. Reading the story just makes me want to feel him. Not in the way that I normally want. I just was innocent touches and feelings. I want to feel the intimacy of skin to skin contact and feeling his heartbeat. I know I have a tendency of saying I haven't felt like this in awhile. But I feel like its different this time because I get over excitement easily but I don't see the end of this one. And never have I had a moment of doubt like I usually do where I find something wrong and I just tell myself to get over it. But there's nothing to get over. I'm just scared to feel this way because it can only end one of two ways both of which are very scary. This is all just weird in the best way possible. Maybe its weird because I've never experienced anything like this before. I also have never wanted to write this much about my thoughts. Maybe this is the muse I was waiting for the one I needed to get back to my happy place with my writing. While I'm scared of a lot something I'm not scared of is losing myself in him. Its like I have all these feelings but I'm still grounded. Maybe understanding myself and getting to the place I am in my life is what is making things work well for me. My first relationship I didn't know who I was or wanted to be so I let it consume me. And I've been able to see my self worth with the last few people not because the treated me like a princess but because they treated me like shit. And I knew well enough when to walk away because I knew what I was worth. And they were just a waste of my time. People who couldn't clearly see what I had to offer and only played games when I told them I didn't want to. Its almost pathetic what I let happen but that's why I learned what not to let happen. I just feel like I'm at a place in my life where I can accept someone into it knowing if they are worth it and knowing that it won't consume me. I'm an adult so things will be different now. As much as I think I haven't grown in the last year or so I have. I have gained more confidence in myself, I love myself. And while I have my moments in which my confident goes down I will always get back up. In the end I'm happy with how I look and I just have to keep reminding myself that there are people out there who will love me as I am just like I have come to love myself. It was all I ever wanted since I was fifteen, the ability to love myself. And the changes I want to make to my body isn't because I care about what other people think but rather what I think about my own personal health. Its been such a long journey to get here and I feel like as I continue my confidence can only really grow. I feel like loving myself has made it easier for me to love others and know who is good for me and if I will be good for them.
