So I just finished all of the Harry Potter movies in three days. I haven't seen any of them since the last one came out in 2011. So that was seven years ago. I was about 14 which was right before my life kinda all went downhill. I laughed and I cried while watching. While I never read the series (I know I'm horrible but I think I will) it means everything to me. It was one of the connections I have to my favourite cousins. And its a symbol of one of the happiest parts of my childhood. I have only recently found of that what I felt when I was younger were valid feelings. My feelings of neglect and sadness. When my parents had a second child they didn't pay as much attention to me and it affected me greatly. I stopped being who I was, a happy, outgoing, social little girl. I was smart, athletic, and happy. I was in girl scouts, softball, cheerleading, dance, art classes, and I made honor roll a few times. Now I'm barely making it by in uni and I never leave my house. Hell, theses I won an art competition and was in the local newspaper one and on local tv a few times. I was doing a lot but now I don't do much of anything. And for a long time, I blamed it on myself but it wasn't really my fault because I was a child and how was I supposed to know any better. My parents encouraged me so much and pushed me in a good way these things. But then when I was 9 my brother was born and my parents stopped paying so much attention to me which I get. But it was so much to the degree that they really weren't pay any attention to me. And my grandparents had to be the ones to start giving me attention and support. And my family still now reminds me that I'm not a boy and it hurts. I just want their attention again and for them to be proud of me. I think thats why when I got my college acceptence letter I cried. Because my parents would finally give me attetnion but it was fleeting. I now have to try not to care because otherwise, it hurts to know I much my parents are willing to put into me. My mother tells me I've become a b!tch and how she wishes I was little again and that she tells me that she used to love me so much. I don't say this because I want pity but rather so maybe that others don't feel alone and so that I can get out these thoughts and feelings. What does any of this have to do with Harry Potter you may be wondering. It all does go back around. The end of Harry Potter is a reminder of my fleeting youth which sucks. Harry Potter was my childhood and the last one kinda reminded me that it was over. That the happy times were behind me. I was to be happy and whole again but I'm afraid I've gone back to where I started. Before I was broken and I hid. Now I'm just a functioning broken girl. To be honest I'll probably watch it again because the movies do make me happy even if the ending saddens me. Because everything else makes me happy.
