I'm just so tired of feeling this way. Sad, tired and lonely. I feel so alone and it's my own fault I'm the one refusing to talk to people. I feel like I'm being crushed by my depression. I've just realized I have no one to really talk about all my mental illnesses because for some reason those people have stopped answering me. I'm just so tired of existing. I'm stressed. I just wanna lay in bed and forget about it and have a moment of relief but I can't. And what's making it harder is I can't get anything done because ADD is hard to handle when I was never taught how to deal with it without meds. Maybe I'll write tonight idk I just am so drained and my family can't even see it. There's a reason I don't get out of my pjs, don't even bother putting on glasses or contacts, don't care if I forget to eat or if I over eat and the worse is I don't always take my meds. I've honestly given up I just can't. I've set expectations for myself to high. It's because my family knows that deep down I can do what they expect from me but I just don't want to. I want to crawl back into the whole I was in when I was 15. But I can't it's time to grow up. I just want to self destruct but I know I can't. Cause knowing me I will eventually snap out of it for a little bit and I won't get what I want if I self destruct. I never understood how hurting others seems like it would help. I'm talking about what happened in Texas. While I know the psychology behind that type of person. Being in my own mind set I can't fathom being so hurt I want to hurt other. Especially because of the countless innocent people who would be hurt. Hurting someone you didn't intend to and also hurting their family. The mothers and father and brothers and sisters that would do anything to have them back or at least see them once more. As I write about this is reminds me of all the times someone has compared my situation to something like that. And it sucks because they don't get it. I don't know why I'm so depressed and I don't want to be. I cut when I was younger for attention then it became a release. And now I cry at night hoping that no one hears but God. And that he helps me understand why I'm like this what is supposed to become of me. I can't believe that there is a God out there that would put me through all this for nothing. I have to hold back when people compare. I have to hold back from saying rather be in those situations because at least they know why they feel what they feel. I've been like this since I was 7 and I have yet to find any relief. Even from a young age I knew how to fake happiness and smile. I worried about the people who's love was conditional. I protect them from me and from others. I never told them that their little girl was depressed for a long time and I never told people about the things they have done to make them not good parents. Honestly the only thing that's ever been there for me is YouTube. It makes me feel not alone without have to talk to someone. I just want to get this chapter of my life over with because I have to hope this won't be my whole life. If it is I honestly don't know if I'll make it. Things were so bad I never planned a life past 18. Of course I fantasized of a family and falling in love. But I never had planned on making it this far to 21. When my 19th birthday came I honestly couldn't believe it. And I was happy but also upset because I didn't know what to do. I didn't plan this far because I didn't think I would still be here. I just want to be content with my life. And I just want to know what it feels like to be loved.
Bye :3
