Dead & Gone. [UNDER REVISION]

Chapter 25: Gunslinger.

Chapter 25: Gunslinger.

“My mother?” I repeated with a questionable tone. She nodded with a shy smile. I stood there in the cold rain staring at the lady who walked out of my life thirteen years ago and never once make contact with me; she left me with a psychopathic drunk. I was beyond angry, it made my blood boil cold in my veins. I shook my head and narrowed my gaze at her.

“What are you doing here?” I asked with a furious tone. She frowned at me and gave me a quizzical expression, her jaw dropped slightly as she eyes widened. She shook her head and regained her cool.

“I’ve come to take you home.” She said. I shook my head with an angry chuckle. I couldn’t help it; it crept up my throat like vomit. She wants to take me home? Where the hell has she been all these years? I tilted my head slightly, narrowing my gaze again.

“It’s been thirteen years and now you want to take me home? Where have you been?” I belted out. I was even angrier when she nodded slowly.

“I’ve been living in Chicago still. I want you to come home to your family.” She uttered softly. I laughed at her, throwing my head back. I think I hit the brick wall of crazy. I shook my head when I sobered. I watched her carefully.

“Thirteen years, what’s made you come for me now?” I questioned with an irritated voice. She licked her lips and looked at me sullenly.

“Roger got hold of me; he said you’re living with Jimmy now. So I came for you. Then I heard Jimmy died. I’ve been following you for the past two weeks.” She replied with a soft tone. She was following me? Like a stalker? I shook my head and tried to calm myself down but my lid was about to blow.

“You want have no right to be here. First you took me away from the best person ever then you leave without a word.” I practically screamed at her. She watched me with wide eyes.

“You have no right to be called my mom.” I added with a painful tone.

“And what do you mean family? You mean you and Roger?” I asked. She shook her head and frowned again.

“You have four little brothers. Sadly they’re from different dads.” She said. I crossed my arms and watched her with an unimpressed expression. I have four brothers? FOUR BROTHERS.

“Who are their dads?” I asked wanting to know. Everything Matt and Jimmy told me about my mom was true. She wasn’t the cleanest of people. I frowned sadly. She seemed ashamed of herself and she should be. She should hang her head in shame. No one should do that.

“Matt, Brian and Zack are the fathers of Damian, Kyle and Jeremy.” She said. Wow. She slept with the whole band. All except Johnny, lucky Johnny knowing that your brothers are really your cousins. I feel like I should go on Jerry Springer. I tapped my foot and waited for her to say the final name.

“And James is Roger’s.” The last name sent me over the edge. I blew my top. I was so angry.

“No, you don’t get to name his kid after my dad.” I said then tried to leave but she stopped me. I was so angry that I couldn’t face her; I just wish she never came to find me. I wish this would just go away. I can’t handle with right now.

“You need to come home to your family.” She whispered at me. I shook my head, frowning. I pulled myself from her grasp.

“Last time I checked, family doesn’t end in blood.” I hissed at her. She was taken back by my sudden outburst.

“Family isn’t who has your blood; it’s who’s been there for you the longest. You walking out then all the shit I went through with Roger and then my dad dying made me addicted to Diluadid. How do you feel knowing that you leaving me with all these things to deal with has made me into an addict?” I added with a harsh voice. She sighed and shook her head.  She reached into her bag, pulling out a small rectangular brown box. She held it out in front of her, reaching it towards me. I kept my gaze on her as I took the box.

“What’s this?” I asked pulling my eye brows together curiously. She pursed her lips and sighed.

“It’s every letter Jimmy wrote you growing up. I gave him a different address then where you were living so I got them and kept them.” She said. I shook my head and sighed painfully. She kept what is mine? She kept all the letters Jimmy wrote me growing up? He wrote me letters?

“This doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I’m not going with you and you keep those boys away from my family. You’ll end up ruining everything again.” I muttered then walked away in the rain. The box tightly in my arms, tucked into my chest.

“Good-bye dad, see you later.” I whispered. The rain let up and the sun peered through the low greying clouds. It was still cold and wet but the sun warmed the air. I loved the feeling but I hated the way it made my clothes feel on my skin. I walked to Val’s house in silence. Jimmy cared enough to send me letters growing up? He is such a good guy, why did he have to die? I don’t understand this.  

I walked up the path to the house and in through the front door. She said hello happily. I smiled and nodded as I walked up to my room. My heart sinking deeply into my chest. The room didn’t seem like home to me even with all the photos pinned up on the walls and the things that cluttered the floors. I sat on the wood floor and leaned against the bed after I chucked the bag and hoodie across the room. I was wearing a purple and black tee shirt with my jeans. I left my shoes at the door.

My stomach filled with butterflies as I opened the box to see hundreds of letters sitting there, waiting for me to read them. I felt empty and hallowed out. My heart was empty but filling with worries about doing this. Live life without regrets, is the saying that pushed me into opening the first letter.

Dear Peasnie Ann Sullivan,

March 15, 1995.

Hey baby girl, today is your birthday. Happy birthday. I loved seeing you being brought into this life. It was magical to know that I’ve helped create this life, your life. I created you and I’ll help you create your life. I promise I’ll be there for you. I’ll teach you how to drum and sing which in this case is screaming. I’ll protect you with my life. I promise.

I’m watching you sleep right now. You look so peaceful all wrapped up in blankets with the soother plugged into your mouth. You look just like me but you certainly have your mother’s stubbornness. You’re also beautiful just like her. You’re snoring little breathes and I can’t help but smile and watch you. I have to refrain from picking you up and just running away with you. You deserve better and that’s what I’ll try and give you. I’ll make sure the monsters under the bed and in the closet never get you. I’ll be your safety blanket, your flash light in the night. I’ll protect you like a solider does for their country.

I held you for the first time a few hours ago, you looked up at me with wide eyes and you smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back. I know I’m young and I might not know what true love feels like but I know what true love feels like. I love baby. Forever and always, my heart will always be with you. I’ll love you like a father, protect you like a brother, and laugh with you like a best friend. I promise the day I reach toward the sky after I said my Good-byes my heart will be with you. I’ll be the stars in the night; I’ll lend you the light to guide you through.

I love you Peasnie. With every ounce of my existence.

Love dad.

I felt my heart jerk inside my chest. This is the first letter he wrote for me. I let the tears fall from my eyes as all the pain came back to me, it oozed out of my eyes like there was no tomorrow. I cried hard into my hands as I sat there on the floor in my uncle’s house, all alone. All my prayers never made it through. I’ve done stupid things in life and this is what I get for that, this is the price I need to pay. I have to live knowing that this remarkable man that made my life real, that made me real is gone. He’s never coming back. I swallowed hard and dried my face.

“I miss you so much dad.”