I'll Look If I Want

The Hands of Small Children

Chapter 8 – The Hands of Small Children
{Amy POV}

“You can’t just come barging into my life like this!” I whisper yelled at Marilyn as Aden and Elsie ran past me laughing. “Do you realise how hard it was to get over you?! You were the only person I ever opened up to! Do you know what that’s like? Having to make a decision like that?!”

“Don’t talk to me that way when you’re the one who ran off and left it three whole years to tell me you had twins by me!” Marilyn whisper shouted back at me, pointing accusingly in the direction the twins had run off in. “They’re half mine! I had a right to know!”

“You’ve never wanted children! You told me so yourself! And after what happened with Missy I didn’t know what you’d do if you found out!” I continued to whisper yell at him. “And as far as I’m concerned you have no claim to them! I’m their mother! I’m the one who’s fed them, sheltered them, clothed them, comforted them…you’ve done none of it-”

“Because you never gave me the chance-” Marilyn began to yell back at me but I cut him off.

“Can you honestly tell me you wouldn’t have told me to get rid of them?!” I glared at him. “Tell me you wouldn’t have!” I watched, hoping he would tell me that he would’ve wanted them…but he didn’t…he said nothing. And my heart broke a little as I nodded and turned away from him a little. “That’s what I thought…” I sighed. “Is it not enough that I broke my heart over you? You’ve got to come meddling now as well?”

“I can’t leave you alone.” Marilyn said, not whispering, but barely making a sound.

“I’m not alone…” I shrugged. “I’ve got Aden and Elsie, and my sister Tess…her husband and their boy, Chandler-”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Marilyn cut me off, suddenly right in front of me, eyes sad. “I don’t know how to live without you…”

“You seem to be doing quite well.” I raised an eyebrow at him, taking a half step back so I could lean against the kitchen counter.

“So do you…I’ve followed your work…” he sighed and ran a hand though his hair as my eyes widened slightly. He’d read what I’d written?! “But we only seem that way…because we want to believe it…Amy…” he trailed off as I looked away.

“Please, don’t… don’t look at me like that…” I said softly, my voice shaking slightly. “You…you can’t look at me like that… Marilyn…”

I bit my lip as I felt him crook a finger under my chin and turn my face towards him again. “I’ll look if I want…” he whispered as he leant down slightly, his lips now a hairs-breadth from mine. “I want you in my life… I need you in my life, Amy…”

“Please…don’t…” I breathed, a single tear rolling down my cheek at the realisation that if he kissed me now…I’d succumb...

I felt his hand slip behind my head to the nape of my neck, tilting my head back slightly. “Amy…”

“Mommy…who’s that?” I heard Elsie’s little voice to my left and immediately the intimate spell was broken; with me pushing Marilyn away as my three year old baby girl toddled over to me and reached up to me as I picked her up. “And why was he so close to you?” she asked me and then looked at Marilyn. “People have personal space mommy says…and you shouldn’t invade it…”

Marilyn smiled a little and tapped her nose as I narrowed my eyes at him. “Your mommy and I are close friends…which makes it okay.” He looked pointedly at me. “And I’d make her feel like a queen if she’d let me.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t want to be a queen.” I said as nicely as I could, seeing as how my young daughter was in my arms. “It was nice seeing you, so why don’t you take the hint and leave?”

“Because, after years of searching…I finally found my perfect girl again.” Marilyn smiled, a genuine, loving smile that took me off guard. “And I don’t plan on letting her get away again…”

“Twiggy said you’ll stay for dinner.” My sister said simply as she walked into the kitchen, the look on her face telling me she’d been eavesdropping. “If that’s okay with you, Marilyn.”

“I’d love to.” Marilyn smirked at her and she looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

“Amy, can I see you for a moment…alone?” she asked, her sweet smile incredibly fake.

I sighed as I put Elsie down and followed Tess to her bedroom. ‘Well, this ought to be loads of fun…’ I thought sarcastically as she closed the door behind us and spun me to face her. “What?” I sighed as her eyes roved over my face.

“Is Twiggy their dad? I mean, you two were always close but I never-”

“No!” I said loudly, making a face at her when she shushed me. “No, Twiggy is not their father.”

“Oh, thank goodness! For a moment I thought-”

“It’s Marilyn.” I continued bluntly, watching her as she froze and looked at the picture of my children she kept in her room always, her eyes darting from me to the photo.

“Oh my God!” she whisper yelled at me. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?!”

“Because you’d have screamed at me!” I whisper yelled back at her. “Look, when I found out I was pregnant…I was terrified…for a number of reasons…and you were the only person in the world who’d understand my decision…so when I showed up at your door crying pathetically…” I trailed off, pinching the bridge of my nose. “It’s not…I’m not…”

“Do you still love him?” Tess asked quietly and I sighed, sitting on the edge of her bed as I nodded and she gasped.

“Yes…I still love him…and he’s as good as said he’s still in love with me.” I swallowed as I thought it over in my head.

“What are you gonna do?” Tess asked me seriously as she sat beside me and hugged me.

“I don’t know, Tess,” I replied as I saw a shadow move under the door to her room. “I really don’t know…”

***

{Marilyn POV}
I slipped quietly after them and pressed my ear against the door when I was certain they wouldn’t notice, listening intently…

“It’s not…I’m not…” I heard Amy’s soft voice say, sadness laced though it coldly.

“Do you still love him?” I heard her sister ask quietly and then gasp.

“Yes…I still love him…and he’s as good as said he’s still in love with me.” I felt my heart leap for joy at her confession, even though it wasn’t directly to me I now knew she still cared for me.

“What are you gonna do?” Tess asked seriously I heard a bed creak.

“I don’t know, Tess,” I heard Amy reply quietly and I stepped closer so I could hear better. “I really don’t know…” I heard her sigh as she continued. “I…I think I made a mistake, Tess…and I don’t know how to fix it…” I heard her start to cry. “I’m still in love with him and I betrayed him in the worst way possible…” my heart broke as I heard her pain-filled sobs. “I ran away…and took a life from him…”

I walked away from the door then, only one thought in my mind as I looked at the two little angels she and I had somehow created in a moment of passion. ‘I swear you’ll never be in pain alone again…’