I'll Look If I Want

Misery Machine

Chapter 5 - Misery Machine

{Three months later...}

I sighed as I woke up, frowning as I felt paper under my fingers. I cracked one eye open and then sat up, rubbing my eyes and blinking as I took in the state of the hotel room Marilyn and I had crashed in last night. I unfolded the note and smiled a little as I read it:

The guys and I went for food. We'll bring you back some breakfast...well, lunch by the time we get back. Relax. I'll be back soon to kiss the life out of you!

Love,

Marilyn

I felt my heart flutter at the word 'love' scrawled messily across the paper...but it was there...was it time to say it out loud? I frowned as I thought to myself for a moment...and then held a handover my mouth as I felt something forcing its way up my throat; ripping the bedclothes off me and running into the bathroom. I made it to the toilet just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the bowl.

I pulled the little lever and sat back as I listened to the toilet flush. That had happened every morning...for the past...five mornings... I frowned, a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach making my hands shake and my heart race. Was I...? Only one way to find out...

I stood carefully and made my way back into the bedroom, dressing in black jeans, converse, singlet top and ripped batwing shirt; grabbing my keys and wallet as I wrote the guys a note telling them I'd gone out for a bit, not that they'd worry too much. And, with an air of determination, I walked out of the hotel.

***

I made a face at the pregnancy test in my hand as I sat in a cubicle at the mall's toilets, waiting for the result to show. What would I do if it was positive?! How would I feel if it wasn't? Did I want a baby? Now? To Marilyn? Well...yes to Marilyn...but, now!? I looked at the test again and ran a hand down my face as I looked from the little pink plus sign to my tummy. "You've got terrible timing sweetheart..." I froze. "Oh God...how can I tell Marilyn?!" I asked myself...and my subconscious answered me, 'You can't...'

***

{That night...}

I'd kissed Marilyn for what I knew would be the last time, my heart breaking as he smiled at me and then slipped onto the stage. I watched him perform...he became somebody else once all eyes were on him out there...

I placed one hand lightly over my stomach, terrified of his reaction should he find out... even more so knowing what he and Missy decided to do when she fell pregnant. With a heart-wrenching sob, I turned and walked away, slipping silently into Marilyn's dressing room when no one could see. I pulled his notebook from his makeup bag and tore out a blank page, writing him a letter telling him how much I loved him... but it has to be this way...he could never know...so he would never be able to see me again...no matter how much it hurt or how much I loved him...I had to go. I snuck out of the venue without being noticed, though nearly seen by one of the sound crew as I retrieved my things from the tour bus.

I stood with all I owned now in this world in one suitcase and a backpack, and hailed a cab to the airport... booking the next available flight... to my sister's home in Seattle...

***

{Marilyn POV}

{Two hours later...}

I stood with Twiggy in my dressing room, watching worriedly as he read and re-read the letter Amy had left me, looking at him expectantly when he sighed. "Well?!"

"Well, what? She's gone home... I thought it might be a bit much for her." Twiggy replied calmly.

"She said she loves me but it has to be this way...she loves me Jeordie!" he looked at me oddly when I called him by his actual name. "She loves me! I love her and she loves me...and she just left?!" I fumed, snatching the letter from his hand and reading it again. "I'm not buying it...I've missed something vital..."

"Like what?" Twiggy frowned as I looked at him again sadly.

"I don't know...but there has to be something..." I flopped down onto the couch in the dressing room. "I love her...I actually let myself fall for her...if I lose her now I don't know what I'll do..."

"Man, calm down. She's probably just gone back to Aaron's." Twiggy lay a comforting hand on my shoulder. "If she has, by the time we get to the next hotel tomorrow morning she'll be with him...I'll just call him when we get there."

"And if she's somewhere else?" I asked bluntly, parts of my aching I hadn't known existed before now.

"We'll find her..." Twiggy gave me a light shove and smiled. "I promise."

***

Aaron had confirmed that she'd gone back to his place but that she wasn't talking to anyone...so I assumed she'd be there when I got back. I needed to talk to her. Ask her why she left so abruptly. Did she still love me? I looked up expectantly as Aaron's front door opened and my friend stood before me.

"Oh, geeze, you look like hell..." Aaron smiled slightly.

"Where is she? I need to talk to her...please!" I pleaded as Aaron let me into his house.

"Jeordie just left to find you and tell you..." Aaron replied glumly.

"Tell me what?" I asked, angry when he hesitated. "Tell me what?!"

"She told me she was coming back...but she called me again later to tell me she was safe and to not worry..." Aaron looked at me dubiously. "She said she had everything under control..." he looked at me, frowning more and more. "Do you know anything about that?"

"So, you don't know where she is..." I asked, and I felt myself pale.

"No..." Aaron replied, expression blank as I sank to the floor. "I don't."

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(creepy voice) I'M BAAAAAACK!