Not His Juliet

Chapter 18

Not His Juliet by K. Jessica Ramirez

Chapter 18:

I feel an arm wrap around my shoulders breaking my eye contact with Austin. I whip around ready to face my attacker. I was pretty certain that blow to the head would have him out for at least a bit. I may have under estimated his strength. However I didn't under estimate his intelligence, only an idiot would get back up and pick a fight with a person who could end you.

I push away from the arm pulling my fist back ready to release. I freeze my fist just before it makes contact with James, the only idiot who is stupid enough to come up behind me. I guess I overestimated his intelligence. Well doesn't he have perfect timing, not. One look at his face and I already know what he's playing at. His big blue eyes swarm with fake worry carefully expressed along with the rest of his facial expression. Anyone would think he's worried sick about me but I know him too well. 

I've learned to read him well these past few years. As a means to constantly be able to spontaneously jump into act after act of pretending to be perfect. I've learned to always take in his body language and his expression in his eyes. I no longer need to even glance at James however to know he's prepared to scream his lungs out at me.

James is mad as hell. He can't conceptualize why I would allow myself to bring this attention to myself. I can tell James can't even fabricate how after so many perfect years of living perfectly perfect I, Miss Perfect, would want to be anything but perfect. What he can't, what he never will, what not even I can grasp is that I no longer feel the need to put in effort into playing the part of Miss Perfect. I no longer wish to live in perfection. I lower my clenched fist willing it to unclench. To be honest I may have preferred the drunkard on the floor standing by my side then James.  

All these fantasies of having Stark back in my life; of finally getting the answers that resulted in countless sleepless nights, of experiencing what I'm starting to think is more than just a fatal attraction with Austin, of being privileged with being part of Nikki's life again, they're all so beautiful and I hope with everything in me for them to come true but I already know they won't. I'm walking into the line of fire with my eyes open and my hands bare but I continue to walk forward knowing fully well it'll only take one bullet to end me.

I wonder briefly where this new found hope, dare I say faith, is coming from. I'm a realist I have been since the day I crossed the California boarder. I promised long ago that the broken naïve little girl who existed in California could stay locked away there. I walked into New York, into a new life as a new person. I refused to be that stupid optimistic young girl. 

So why is it that all it took was leaving New York to make my walls crack and threaten to fall? Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope overcomes every emotion; it takes over your body slowly making people believe that there is always hope when truly there is none. I refuse to be one of those people. 

I've always kept my feet firmly planted on the ground which is why I can't begin to comprehend why suddenly my head is stuck in the clouds, why my thoughts have been invaded with that evil emotion of hope.

I shake my mind free of the thoughts that bombard it. I cannot allow James to sense my mindset has changed any since New York. I know fairly well that no amount of fantasies of 'happy ever after' will matter at the end of the day because at the end of the day I will continue to live the only life I know, the perfect life. Where I will continue to live in perfection becoming a tiny bit more miserable every day.

I return to reality placing an emotionless mask over my face like I've done countless times before. Somewhere in the back of my mind I notice how different it feels, how wrong it feels after feeling more myself than I have in years. I shake off the feeling but I can't help but also notice Nikki recognize the shift in my expression, in my mood. I focus in on James in order to keep the newly placed mask in its place.