Lost In A Memory (A Taylor Lautner Story)

Back to December

Chapter 29- Back To December

                “This is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night. And I go back to December all the time. Turns out freedom ain’t nothin but missin you, wishin I’d realized what I had when you were mine. I go back to December and change my own mind....”

                The song’s words tugged at my heart, screaming at me to wake up and realize that Taylor had never been angry with me. How could I have been so stupid to think that she was that heartless, that she would write a song that bashed me, for the entire world to hear? It made me love her all the more, but with love came guilt, for I knew that it wasn’t enough. I had only just realized the depth of my love for Kaylen, and now a former love had reared its ugly head.

                I glanced at Kaylen as I drove, feeling the awkward atmosphere and hating that she knew so much about my relationships. Well, the world knew, or had known for some time, but it was killing me right now that Kaylen knew all this without me revealing it to her myself. I watched Kaylen’s face transform; from the moment Taylor had began to sing I watched Kaylen’s expression morph. At first, an endearing smile covered her features… nothing more than happiness that Taylor had written a song for me.

                But soon, her face portrayed something I couldn’t quite grasp… a sense of giving; something that Kaylen was plotting in her own mind took over, and I could see that she was about to make a very hard decision for me. Before I could stop her, before I could make myself say that I wasn’t going anywhere, her voice broke the silence, and as the song ended I knew she meant the three heart wrenching words she uttered.

                “Go after her.” Tears began to fill her eyes, and she reached to turn the dial, the music from the car’s speakers set to a dull roar.

                I had no words, only shock that she would give up so quickly. With a jolt, I realized that she wasn’t merely giving me up, she was letting me go. “What?” I choked, needing an explanation. But she gave none.

                “You heard me.”

                “But, Kaylen I-” I was at a loss for words.  

                “Go Taylor... You know it’s the right thing to do.” The right thing to do would have been to never leave Kaylen here in the first place so many years ago. The right thing would have been to never leave the second time in fear of falling short in Hollywood. The right thing would have been to be self-less instead of selfish, to harbor my love for this beautiful brunette instead of throwing everything down the drain. But the right thing was apparently beyond me at this point, so I could only mumble her name, uselessly turning the car’s wheels to our little street.

                “Kaylen...” I felt the word leave my lips and pulled into the driveway just before I broke out into a sob. But to make her know how much the gesture meant, I took her hand softly, rubbing her skin with my thumb. Every time I held her hand like that I felt warmth; the beating of my heart became more firm and lively, as though I may never feel it again. Savoring the moment, I let her cry too, until she finally turned to me. The car still idled in her driveway, and I knew that soon I would have to leave.

                “Taylor… I know this is hard for you. But you’ve got to go after her... She wrote that song for a reason and the reason is you.” Kaylen quietly grabbed a tissue from her purse and blew her nose, only to fall back into her same crying stupor a moment later.               

                “I know but Kaylen... I love you...” As the words left my lips I knew they were true. Who else could have stuck by me all these years and never questioned me? Who else could have watched me leave (multiple times) and still declare undying love for me by the trees near Salter’s Lake? Who else could be more forgiving, smarter, more honest, endearing, or kind?

                “I know... But you love her too.” I thought a second time… I did love Taylor… she had always left me feeling quite breathless, something I’d chalked up to be her beauty. But now I saw that it was her passion for music, her devotion to the lyrics she wrote, her poetic way of loving a person that drew me to her. I loved her as well.

                “Kaylen please... Don’t cry...” I knew that being here with Kaylen was all the more imperative. She had been broken over and over… if not by me it was by her father, and if not him, someone at school. Kaylen kept staring out of her window, a frown glued to her face, in her eyes as well as on her lips. “Look at me,” I said, begging.

                With fierceness she whipped her head around, painfully throwing out these last words. “Just go... She needs you; she can’t go on and feel as if you’ll never forgive her!”

                Forgiveness. It was a subject I’d grown to know and love. If Kaylen could forgive me for losing myself in the money and fame of Hollywood, surely I could forgive Taylor for thing wrong she claimed she’d done. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to go back to L.A and make up with Taylor in person. If nothing else, I wanted another shot with her. If Kaylen thought it was easier with me gone… if she really wanted me to give her a shot, I believed that I could. But it would take time.

                “I love you, Kaylen. I love you so, so much...” I repeated, my heart quivering with each word. Where I thought she was going to simply bid me goodbye, she didn’t. She, instead, turned back to me and let me see her full on. Her eyes shone with an impossible realness, and truth that I’d never seen the full extent of until this moment.

                “I love you, Taylor… More than you’ll ever know,” she said, and what I did next shocked even me. I pulled her swiftly to me, kissing her with a force beyond measure. The kiss, though we’d shared many, was something I would remember forever, and I knew that it would hold a special place with me. The end of the kiss was slow, so slow and sensitive that I became lightheaded. Her hand was at the base of my neck when I pulled away and hopped out of the car. I walked backwards down the driveway as she spoke her last words.

                “Goodbye.” “I’ll miss you...” she said quietly.              

                “Goodbye,” I countered. “I’ll miss you too, Kaylen. I’ll never forget you.” The irony hit me one final time, and I knew that I meant that in all my days she would still be embedded in my thoughts. With a tear on my cheek I grinned, turning to jog back to my own house next door.

                As I reentered my house, I only hoped now that I could live with the painful decision I’d just made.