Moving Forward

Chapter Three

My hands were slightly shaking from the entire ordeal, and somehow I'd brought Anya into this and she didn't like it. I should have never called her. God! Why couldn't I deal with my shit on my own? "I'm sorry, Anya, I won't bother you again."

"What? No, Mals, I meant you had me terrified. I've never seen this side of you before. It's... It's like you morphed into something. What was that?"

She was right, no-one had ever seen me like that because I'd never placed myself in a situation where it could happen. That's why I always avoided crowds and busy places. What had chipped me off further was that stupid girl -- Tansha or whatever. When she mentioned Malik's name and the word die... I derailed.

But I took the blame for that because. I should have known better. Seeing past schoolmates should have screamed danger bells in my head. I was to grab my backpack and run.

"I had a panic attack," I said softly.

"I know, but your skin was burning up. It's like you had literally felt like the bottom of a pot." Then she felt my skin. "But you're fine now. That's totally weird."

Anya started the car, not waiting on a response. By now she knew that I probably didn't want to talk about it. I got comfortable in the back, and outstretched my legs on the terribly torn leather seats. Anya's car was a gift from her mom who probably did everything with the car. And by everything, it meant carrying eight cement balusters on the seat. First it started with one rip, then three and five more came after she toted heavier stuff in the then newly built car.

"You don't have to come out, I'm fine. Don't let me keep you from work." I said, climbing out of the car.

"What? No girl, I want to make sure you're fine. I already told Mr. Blackmon what's up."

"Oh, sorry."

Anya rushed to my side, "What are you apologizing for?"

"Nothing." I shrugged.

I pushed the apartment door open and Anya flopped onto one of my dining chairs. Silence engulfed us, leaving room for awkwardness. The whole ordeal made everything weird, to be honest.

"So... Do you want something to drink?" I asked.

"Yeah, water thanks." She scanned the apartment,"I love your place so much! Small and cozy."

"Thanks."

She always said that whenever she visited. I didn't mind because she came like my bubbly, serious, encouraging and mysterious friend -- an all in one. My only friend as a matter of fact.

Placing the glass of water next to her, I took a seat, sipping on my own glass. I didn't even wait, I just blurted out what had happened in the car park and how abrupt it had hit me. I figured I owed her that much after she left work for me.

"I don't know how I could possibly forget that tomorrow is a holiday!"

"Yes, that's really weird. Normally you're on top of these things," Anya said.

"The a past school mate hailed me out. We were good at first but when she mentioned Malik's name, I went berserk."

Anya's eyes softened, reaching for my hands. "That must be awful!"

"It's okay. I think I'm better now," I waved.

And as I expected, she reached over, squeezing me into a hug. I could just smell her fruity perfume as she did that. She always concentrated it at her neck. I always admired her choice in perfumes because I knew whenever she got me one, it would smell just as nice. Like the bottle of Curve she'd got me last year for my birthday.

"So when are you going to get the chance to go to the beach again?" she asked taking another sip of the water.

I shrugged, "I don't know, not until the holiday is over... I guess... I don't think I would survive if I go back now."

"This shit is worse than I thought, Mals. Did you try going to a different therapist?"

"No..." I held my palm up. "Maybe you should just stay out of it. I can handle this myself." Why would she ask that knowing well that I hated therapists?

Anya held her hand up in surrender. "Ok, Ok! Sorry, that was a bad idea."

I eyed her, "I've been to five therapists and none of them worked. I'm sick and tired of it. Tired of them asking me how I feel, and trying to bring up crappy memories!"

"Ok, calm down. I won't bring it up again. Maybe you can try something else."

I stared at her, "Like what?"

"Well, maybe you should try taking a swim."

My eyes widened, "Anya!"

"I know you haven't been in the water since, but I'm just trying to say that you should work towards that."

I walked over to my window. The neighbor was wetting his pink bougainvillea flowers with a hose. His plants got huge since I last saw them. Maybe he'd bought additional ones...

"Why are you ignoring me?"

"Huh?"

"I said--" Anya's phone rang out.

Apparently it was our boss calling. His gruff voice blared from Anya's ear as she spoke to him. After a few minutes, she hung up, rising from her chair.

"Listen, Mals, I have to go back to the office. A new client just came in. Are you going to be alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, following her to the door.

"I think you should give my idea a try. Step by step at your own pace."

"I'll think about it, Anya."

She squinted.

"I'm serious! I will think about it." How was I even going to start this thing? This morning, I couldn't even bypass a couple of strangers, and now she wanted me to do this?  Entering the water would be a difficult task to take on. It would take months... Even years to do such a feat.

"Okay, well, I'll message you later."

"Thanks for today..." Even mentioning it made me feel awkward.

"No problem, hun."

As soon as Anya entered her car, I retired to my room. The photo of Malik and me on the top left corner of my mirror peered at me. I should move it, but... not yet. Life was much easier when he was here. And although it was years ago, it seemed like it happened last week. People wpuld think that a lot of years had passed and I should be over it or be able to live comfortably by now, but it wasn't that easy. The images I get the feelings I feel... It could never be easy to lose your second heart. Until people walked in my shoes... felt what I felt, they would never understand.

Tadadada Tadadada!

My phone tinkled out loud

Surely it wasn't Anya calling, so I let it ring out. Then it rang again. Or maybe it was...

Gah! The most unsettlng feeling lurched in my stomach when I picked it up and saw mom's name flashing across the screen. She just didn't know when to quit. As soon as it stopped ringing in my hand, it vibrated again.

Sigh.

"Hello, mother."

...

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