Just another fan... (An Area 11 fanfic)

Chapter 5- My black hole of a life

-Tee's POV-

Sometimes you don't really know how much your family really means to you until they're gone. I was too young to feel the pain of my Dad leaving but now that my Mum's gone it feels like someone's shot me. Like there's a giant hole in my chest and I'm bleeding out.

The last two weeks of my life have been a train wreck. When I heard that my mum had died, my whole life seemed to shatter. This was the woman that had single-handedly raised me for 13 years and my sister for 12 years. I haven't eaten, I haven't slept, I haven't even spoken, I haven't done anything but cry. I heard that the band rented an apartment out with the incomes coming from our YouTube channel. It's a low rent apartment according to Jada, she's 21 so she can buy an apartment and take care of us technically. One of us will have to sleep on the couch, since my sister's here too. We're moving in tomorrow. I don't care. It's just a different bed to cry on.

The girl, Deidre, we had to ask to stay with her because we couldn't stay in a hotel with the amount of money we had remaining. She said yes and let us into her apartment. I was the only one who got a bedroom. The rest got a floor or a couch. There wasn't enough room for all of us.

I sobbed harder into the pillow of my bed. It was around 10am and I could hear everyone moving around in the kitchen. I got up slowly, as if either my feet or the floor was fragile. As if either would break at the slightest touch. I looked at myself in the mirror. This was a much different me. There was deep bags under my eyes where there used to be healthy freckles, my bones were showing more prominently near my shoulders and my legs looked surprisingly thin. It's funny what two weeks of eating nothing but the occasional piece of toast and no sleep can do to you. All I was wearing was my underwear. You could see the large scar that ran from my right shoulder to the left of my lower back. I've had it since my Dad left when I was three. I'd rather not say why.

My mum had always said that I should be proud of my scar. That it was a symbol of strength and that imperfections were good things. But she's gone now. I'm allowed to think that it's ugly. And it's definitely ugly, all stretched and red. I sighed and shuffled over to my suitcase which I haven't bothered to unpack. I crouch down  and pick up a grey shirt that's too big and some sweatpants. I push my hair into an incredibly messy bun and go downstairs to grab some water.

It seemed that as soon as I was downstairs, the whole band plus Deidre had crowded into the kitchen, as if they were waiting. "Hey Tee." Jada smiled but it didn't seem genuine somehow, as if she'd smiled out of pity or something. I didn't reply and sat down, knowing that if I tried to bury myself in my room again they would just pull me out. I knew that they were trying to help me recover and all but honestly I just didn't feel like I could. Sayu looked at me, she was concerned. I knew how I looked. I knew I looked like crap. Surprisingly, Sayu was speaking now, although I expected Jada or Sophie to speak. "We're really worried about you Tee... You haven't been eating or sleeping or doing anything for that matter. I mean we want you to be happy." Sayu said the words quickly, one or two words tumbling over the other. Sophie spoke next, "So we took up Area 11 on their offer. We're gonna record with them this afternoon and you're coming with us no matter what. Okay?" No. No no no no no. I don't want to go out. Least of all do I want to see Area 11. If I wasn't going to that concert I could have saved my mum somehow. I could have done something. It's just another painful reminder. I tried to form words, to make some kind of argument. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. My fragile soul was broken and bleeding from recent events. And this realization just made me feel weak. Weak and stupid and childish. I couldn't even stand up for myself. I nodded to them, although I could feel tears pricking the side of eyes. I rushed out of the room as fast as I possibly could.

That afternoon I felt more stupid and weak than I ever have in my entire life. I searched for some kind of relief, some kind of help. I searched and searched until my eyes landed on my pencil case.

Don't do it.

I opened my pencil case.

Seriously.

I took out my pencil sharpeners.

It's not worth it.

It was too late for my mind to take me away from this. The blades from the pencil case were already out. I put the blades to my wrist and I did something I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't do. I cut.