hands (professor lupin)✔️

Chapter Seven || Ruby

I didn't like remembering what happened after I had cried in front of Lupin. Yet as I sat next to Ruby, I remembered how much he had helped. I hadn't thought about it for the two weeks that I spent at my parents's house, but it seemed to me now as if I was back in the Common Room, after all of the horrors of that night. I don't know how long I'd sat there, crying my heart out. 

I wailed from the pain as loudly as I could. No one could hear me in here anyway. They were all at the ball.

I hated everything about myself, but, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't manage to hate Lupin. I thought about him so much it hurt, the way he had been left standing there when I ran away, about the perplexed, pained look in his eyes... About how I'd just told him everything, about how I could never talk to him after this again...

His reprimand seemed to me now something I'd deserved. The reminder of what had happened to me two years before now seemed almost too painful to touch, and yet this was much, much worse. I drew my knees up to my chin as I wrapped my arms about my legs and sobbed, the carpet cold and rough against my cheek. For some strange reason, I was reminded of the first time I ever saw Lupin - how I opened my eyes and he was there, bringing me back from the darkness.

Now I felt I'd rather have my whole life sucked out of me and die than feel the pain. In agony, I let out a screech I didn't know I was capable of, then I started sobbing even harder than before. All the details of the last conversation were so vivid in my mind I felt only some sort of physical pain would drive them out. I took out a hand from underneath my legs and slapped myself hard on the cheek. That gesture sent a heatwave through my face, and yet it didn't help. I'd never hurt myself with a blade before, and I didn't know how - but there had to be one in my dorm, upstairs.

Seized with a kind of horrible force, I sprung up, my head spinning, and started walking towards the dormitory, when suddenly the door behind me opened and I heard a voice.

"Lennie!"

I tried running, but Ruby's arms were around me in two seconds, holding me by the waist, pressing me against him as I cried at him to let me go.

"Lennie, I'm sorry, but you're not okay" - Ruby only held on tighter to me as I kept trying to wrench free. After what seemed like endless minutes, I finally gave up and started sobbing again. He gently walked me over to the couch in front of the fire and let me fall on it, walking back to the fire and using a spell on it to to make it blaze.

I looked at him through the tears that were making my face feel like a sticky disgusting sponge. I gave up on wiping them away and was just lying there on the sofa, my hands tucked under my knees, my hair falling on my bare shoulders and a feeling of utter, complete pathetic-ness.

Ruby's silhouette seemed stern and sad against the fire, but as he turned around, I saw there wasn't anything but concern on it. He sat down on the floor next to the couch, his hand reaching towards my hair and tucking it behind my ear. I smiled through the pain and then felt some more tears coming.

- What happened, Lennie? - he whispered, even though we were alone in the room.

- You wouldn't want to know, - I whispered back, feeling his hand stroking my hair. I closed my eyes and bit my lip so I wouldn't cry again.

- You can trust me, I won't...

- I'm so sorry I left you at the ball, Ruby, - I said tearfully, my voice changing from the amount of repressed tears - I shouldn't have done that.

- It's all right.

- No, it isn't... You... you felt abandoned, probably mortified... - my face contorted and I wheezed.

- I didn't. Hey. You went off looking for Lupin, did you find him?

I looked up at him, the fear of his guessing the truth proving momentarily stronger than the pain. How did he even know I went off looking for Lupin? But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered now.

- No... No I didn't, - I lied, burying my face in the fabric of the sofa. - I... I haven't been well...

- I think you did find him, Lennie. I think you two had a talk. You didn't start crying out of nowhere.

- I do that sometimes, you don't know me, Ruby...

- You're in love with him, aren't you.

Instinctively, I turned around the other way, and through the insane pain and beating of my heart, I whispered:

- You're crazy.

- You think I can't see the way you look at him, Lennie?

- Stop.

- He's not exactly handsome, but that's not what you need in anyone, really.

- Ruby, stop, - I turned around and seized him by the hand, looking into his eyes.

- Okay, Lennie. - he looked at me quietly, then said: - I know how much it hurts when you can't have someone you want.

At the time, I didn't pay much attention to his words. But I understood so much more about him afterwards.

- I'll be okay, Ruby, I'll be fine...

- Life is not going to turn out the way you want it to, and that's fine. I'm here for you, Lennie, always. And you'll have to excuse me for this, but I'll be watching your every step for at least a week until I feel I can trust you with taking care of yourself.

I nodded, wanting to feel comforted and grateful, but having nothing but emptiness inside. Suddenly I reached out to Ruby's face and brought it close to mine, leaving a kiss on his cheek. He stiffened a bit, then I felt him pass a hand over my shoulder and sigh.

My lips were warm from all the crying I'd done, and his face was cold, and he smelled of something familiar, yet far away. Then I suddenly felt a pang of pain go through me as I saw another face flash through my mind and I could see myself passing a shaky hand over their scars.

Ruby hugged me and held me close, rocking to and fro with me. I shut my eyes and felt the darkness gather round me as I wept.

I remembered all of that now as I sat next to Ruby, his hands running  through my hair, and tried to doze off, as the tiredness of the day before finally got to me. I climbed up on the seat, pulling off my shoes and tucking my feet underneath me, resting my head against Ruby's shoulder as I heard him breathe and somehow that made me feel like I too, could someday breathe without pain.

Dearest followers and readers: today I got first hate for this book by being added to someone's personal list of "rubbish" books.  Rather than being sad about it, I see it as a milestone - no one has ever written anything worthwhile that's been liked by everybody. Haters are part of life, but not one that should have any effect on what you're writing or otherwise creating.

Still, I wanted to thank you all for reading this and for sticking with me. My heart goes out to all of you <3