hands (professor lupin)✔️

Chapter Thirteen (Final Chapter) || Higher Standards

I had never been so aware of my body as I was that night. 

It seemed like everything in me had come alive and was now hurriedly breathing in an attempt to diminish how alive it felt. 

As I walked down the staircase and the candles lit up one by one and I counted them, just because my mind held on to every little thing it could to remain sane - I felt my feet ache and my hands and face grow warmer with every second.

I had changed my clothes, putting on the most ordinary ones I could find. Yet that hadn't helped me, because when I untied the bow at the back and felt the silk leave my skin, it almost hurt. I hurriedly started putting on my undergarments and yet the mere feel of clothing against my skin seemed to be stifling. I breathed in small gasps, trying not to think of what I daren't, and yet seeing it, feeling it with every patch of skin.

I was down at the end of the staircase and had entered the corridor leading to Lupin's study. I walked, as if in a dream. The cold winter wind breathed through my hair and through the fabric of my shirt, touching me with what seemed like cold human fingers.

I wondered if Lupin's hands would be as cold. 

I shivered, but my body made no attempt to throw up. In fact, I was frozen with fear and paralysed with wanting what I didn't know felt like.

I stopped at the door of the study and prepared to knock - only to see the door was slightly ajar.

Breathing in with a hiss, I pushed the door open with my fingers and came in, leaving the door slightly open.

It was almost dark - only the fireplace was alight. Lupin was nowhere to be seen. I walked gingerly to the fireplace and stared into it, as all thought and feeling left me.

- So, you came.

I jumped, turning around as I saw Lupin behind me, near the door, as if he'd materialised out of thin air.

- I wasn't sure you would, - he said, quietly and shut the door with his hand.

I looked at him, my heartbeat starting to race again.

- Sit down, Lennie, - he said, in what seemed to be a strained, yet tired voice. I did as I was told, the familiar armchair now seeming alien and almost dangerous and looked up at him, watching his every move. 

His eyes were fixed on me in a strange, wary manner, yet he didn't come closer, but walked over to the fireplace. 

- How long have you known about me?

I opened my mouth, and yet my voice didn't come at first. I coughed. He waited.

- Since... since that day you turned up all bruised and cut to class, - I said, almost croaked.

- Halloween?

- Yes... Halloween.

His face did something I had never seen him do before - he smirked. It was a sort of twisted smile, a smile that didn't fit his face - especially not in this light, it made him look terrifying.

- I thought so.

- It's not your fault, sir.

- Remarkable, - he whispered and looked into the fireplace. 

I stayed silent.

- Remarkable, - he repeated, a bit louder - that you let your affection stand in the way of reason, sanity and even your own safety. Do you realise what I'm able to do in werewolf form? 

- Kill, - I whispered.

- Kill, that's right. Murder people. - his voice had that same metallic ring to it as before, in the corridor. 

- Ha...have you? - I whispered.

He took the longest while before answering. Then he shook his head.

- Not yet.

Despite everything, I sighed with relief. Suddenly he spun around, and walked over to me, towering over me as I instinctively rose in case I needed to defend myself.

- Why did you look for me that day, Lennie? Why did you come into my study without asking? Are you out of your mind? What in Merlin's name did I ever do that made you feel like it would be acceptable to do what you did-

- I was...

- You were what? - he snapped.

- I was worried you would hurt yourself.

He scoffed.

- As if that is your  problem. You see, Lennie, if anything happens to you, it happens to me as well. And... and I can't believe I've got to tell you this, but I am your teacher, Lennie. And no matter how old, or how experienced you are, you are still my student and ward. And your behaviour is just... I... 

- Unacceptable.

- Improper, yes. In the highest. I don't know what that teacher did to you and I am sorry. 

I looked up at him, hopeful for the first time. His kind eyes fixed on my face, he seemed to pause before saying the words.

- But I hope, with all of my heart that you don't care for me more than I would like you to.

I stared down at my feet, holding back the tears. I would need time for these words to sink in. As much as I tried, I couldn't feel anything, not a thing.

I closed my eyes and tried to think clearly. Instead, I let out an empty sob as I moved past him, past the chair and to the door, my vision becoming blurry as I reached for the door handle.

Then I nearly screamed, because Lupin had crossed the room in one stride and shut the door, peering into my face as my tears began to fall.

- Lennie, - he said, and for the first time tonight, his voice was gentle.

I shook my head and covered my face.

- Don't make this any harder for me than it already is. I wouldn't know what to do if I ever hurt you. 

I took my hands away from my face and looked at him, unashamed of the tears that had made my whole face wet.

- Then don't, - I whispered.

- Don't what? - he asked, and it seemed to me that for a moment, he was just as lost and as vulnerable as I was.

- Hurt me, - I said and crossed the one step that separated us, shoving my face into his chest as my hands turned into fists that spread into outstretched palms at my face. I felt my body flatten against his and I whispered with a gasp:

- I'm sorry, sir. I am so sorry.

How long I stood there, listening to the hurried rhythm of his heart from surprise, crushing my nose against the rough fabric of his sweater as my lips pressed to his clothes, wondering if he would even try to hug me back, for comfort if for nothing else, I don't know. I suppose it couldn't have been longer than a minute. Then I let him go, clenching my hands back into fists and tearing myself away from his warmth.

His hand was no longer blocking the door. I opened it and I walked out, closing the door behind me, walking slowly away into the darkness.

The winter wind blew against me and I shivered, pulling my clothes tighter around me. Yet I walked steadily upright... and I wasn't crying anymore.

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END OF BOOK ONE. I'M WRITING BOOK TWO EVEN AS YOU READ THIS AND IT WILL BE OUT SOONER THAN YOU THINK. FOLLOW MY PROFILE AND THIS STORY IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

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