hands (professor lupin)✔️

Chapter Four || Victory

As soon as my fever died and I was able to walk, I packed a bottle of water, some biscuits and a pen and asked my dad to drop me off at my old school before work.
We drove carefully - the snow was still quite deep and there was a kind of restlessness to me that made my father believe I wasn't well yet.
- So are you sure you're not gonna faint?
- Dad, - I smiled. - I'm okay. Besides, fainting isn't something I do for fun.
- All right, all right. Make sure you stand up for yourself there... I won't have that bloody headmaster bullying you...

I was walking through a dark hallway, looking around, wondering if I would meet anyone from my past life.
Thankfully, I entered the headmaster's office unaccompanied. The dark ceiling, the fire cackling in the fireplace - it was all so much like that horrible day, years ago.

- Well, well, well. If it isn't the famous miss Limber, lost in limbo.

I recognised that voice. It wasn't the headmaster's. A figure rose from the chair near the fireplace and stood there, outlined against the flames.

- How is Hogwarts treating you? Better, I hope?

I didn't reply, but went straight over to the table in front of me, where I could see the documents. I tore my pen out of my pocket and started scribbling my consent - it had only taken me two seconds to read the form.

- My, my. You've even more uncontrollable than you've been, miss Limber... Have you finally met your match after all? A poor dear professor who is not able to succumb to your lustful-

She didn't finish. The fire suddenly went out and I turned, looking at the woman with hatred. I and tried not to feel it, but the memories and the hurt were flooding me.It was she, the one who had told on me. The one who had seen me back then in the corridor, two and a half years ago: pressed against the wall, while his hands slid down my neck and chest, his mouth devouring my face and me, arching out my back, moaning softly, my hands entangled in his black hair.

Something about my face must have stopped her from finishing that sentence. She was now looking at me with a different kind of expression now - it wasn't fear yet, but it certainly wasn't mockery any longer.

- Expel me if you like, - I began, the fury rising inside me as I thought of Lupin, his eyes, his mouth, the thin line above his upper lip and the way his soft hair got into his eyes - but I don't fucking care. You know what you saw that day and you lied, you lied about what you saw. You lied because of all the people in the school, he didn't choose you. And do you know why he didn't choose you? Because you're old. You're old and shrivelled and useless.

I had never spoken such words in my entire life. I didn't even know I had this kind of talk in me.

- You told them it was I who had jumped on him while he bravely tried to push me off, that I had been seducing him for weeks. He got away easily - he's still accepted practically everywhere, except for Hogwarts. They believed me there. And do you know why they took me in? They took me in for the reason that I stood up against the hate, that despite my reputation as a slut I came back and I got transferred to Hogwarts which has never before happened in this school. I'm on my way to a successful career and a happy life, neither of which you're ever going to get.

I whisked out the signed form from underneath my arm and slammed it on the table with force. She was still standing there, her eyes wide open as I stormed out of the office, my breathing irregular again and I ran down the hallway and down the stairs, out into the winter world where I knew my father would be waiting for me.

- Lennie... Heavens, why are you crying...

I pushed him away but he held me by the arm and pulled me in for a hug, even though that gesture made me feel powerless. I didn't think I would cry.

- Lennie... Did someone say something to you?

I nodded, unable to speak because of the sobs.

- What did they say? You know they're all stupid and...

- I'm sorry, - I sobbed, covering my face with my hands.

- What are you sorry for?

- I said bad things, I made her shut up, I called her old and disgusting...

- I'm sure they deserved it, Lennie. Sometimes people have to hear the truth. They ruined your life... they don't deserve kindness.

I sobbed into my dad's chest as the snow kept falling, impassive and calm. He sat me down into the car, got in and closed the doors.

We were slowly wheeling out of the courtyard. I looked out of the window, at the snow-capped mountains and wished I could erase most of my life just so I could live out whatever was left of mine.

Then I blurted out:

- He wouldn't have condoned such behaviour.

My dad glanced in the mirror at me.

- Who wouldn't have? What are you talking about?

I shook my head, unable to speak any longer.

He had told me to leave him alone, some words on a piece of paper. A small action that had torn me apart and was now killing me on the inside.

He doesn't love me, I thought. She's completely right. I've hurt a stone wall. And I should just walk away but I can't, and the wall is already covered in my blood.

I should not have said those things... Lupin would have not been proud of me, even if she had spread lies about me and ruined my life.

But now he would never know I'd done it or that I was ashamed of it.

Because he told me to go away. Because he refused to be a part of my life.

Because I had told him I loved him when I should have just kept silent.

I cried the whole car journey home. My poor father almost had a heart attack.

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