the boys i've loved and the end of the world

eyes

you know how they say the eyes are the windows to the soul? that's how it is when i meet your gaze from across the room. when i find you, and blue meets brown and everything freezes. and for a moment, just a single moment, the world shifts around us.

everything we were flashes past. for an instant, i can feel how it felt to be loved by you again; a feeling i thought i didn't know anymore.

but then, i am transported back to the present, and i am stuck now with what we have become: a shattered, empty shell of what once was the strongest love i'd ever known. and it saddens me, not because i still love you, but because i know that if we had worked a little harder, i still would. i know that if i had spoken up sooner instead of burying it all inside of me, i would still be completely tied up in you.

i let you get away with things i normally would have never stood for. i let you kiss other girls because distance was hard and we needed that release. i let you stop talking to me for days because i knew you had a busy schedule. i made excuse, after excuse, after excuse for you, because i didn't want to see the truth. eventually, i had to raise my head and meet its burning gaze. and by then, it was too late.

when we lock eyes from across the room, i can hear everything you want to say. i can see the pain and the anger and the sadness and i know you can see it in my eyes too.

eyes are the windows to the soul. my soul says, "i'm sorry we never got a real chance." your soul whispers back, "i'm sorry i made you think i didn't want one."

-c.h.