the boys i've loved and the end of the world

seeds (TW)

in 5th grade, my mother bought me my first bra. my chest was still plateaued, not yet molding into its womanly shape. i saw no point in it, as i thought i had no need to wear it yet, but my mother forced it on me and told me i was old enough that men would start staring. "it happened to me," she said.

in 6th grade, i held hands with a boy in the hallway and the teacher yelled at us until ears bled. i didn't understand what was so bad about enjoying how the blue-eyed boy's hand felt in mine. my teacher told me that it's best to avoid acting like that with boys until i was older, i could get mixed up with an older one who might have different ideas. "it happened to me," she said.

in 7th grade, i wore shorts to school one day that were a few inches above my knees. my science teacher took one look at me, shook his head, and sent me to the office to change. i didn't see what was so bad about my shorts; they were new and a pretty shade of red. the counselor who sat with my while i waited for my mother to bring a change of clothes told me that it was better not to wear clothes that give boys the wrong idea. "it happened to me," she said.

in 8th grade, i sat on my boyfriend's lap in class. he was in my chair and when he didn't move, i improvised. when my teacher walked in and saw. he screeched and told me to stay after class. i didn;t see what was wrong with joking around. he told me i should watch how i act with boys because they could view your actions as a silent yes. "it happened to me," he said.

in 9th grade, i let a boy get too close, too fast. his hands wandered my body like a map, a map he planned on throwing away. i didn't tell my mother. i didn't tell anybody. "it happened to them," i said, but my mouth stayed glued shut. i shouldn't have worn my push up. i shouldn't have kissed him so hard. i shouldn't have worn that tank top, those shorts. i shouldn't have laughed and weakly swatted at him when he pressed me against the well. i thought he was joking, i thought they were all joking. i kept my mouth shut, because it was my fault, wasn't it?