the boys i've loved and the end of the world

things i see as god

observation #1: the boy with the black pea coat sits in the back of the class and scribbles in his notebook. he doesn't answer questions. he always looks down, except when he looks over at the girl one row over and two desks up.

observation #2: the subject of these glances does not seem to know she is just that. she is attentive and focused and does not spend any time looking one row over and two desks back
at the boy with the black pea coat. she would have no reason to.

observation #3: there is a couple, and they seem like the spitting image of a dream high school love: she wears his jacket and he walks her to class holding her hand. his jacket collar is high enough that people don't notice the bruises.

observation #4: the boy in the black pea coat is in love with the girl one row over and two desks up. he stares too much.

observation #5: the girl does not know that she is loved like she is, at least by him. why should she? he never talks.

observation #6: some bruises are too dark to be covered up with concealer. people are starting to notice.

observation #7: a student keeps a bottle of adderall in her backpack. the prescription is hers, but it's not for her. it's almost finals, her friends say. they can't study without it. she knows it's wrong, but she could use the money.

observation #8: the couple enters the room, except they are separate. she doesn't have his jacket and he doesn't hold her hand. she moves away from him, next to the boy with the black pea coat. he checks the bruises every time she sits down. after a week, they've faded.

observation #9: the boy with the black pea coat won't stop staring at the girl one row over, two desks up. one day, she turns around and catches his eye. she smiles. there is hope.

observation #10: the girl with the backpack sells adderall to the boy who beat his girlfriend. he tries to flirt with her, and she tells him to fuck off. he hits the wall as he walks away. she
wonders how the girl didn't see it coming.

observation #11: the girl looks back at the boy with the black pea coat more often. he has pretty eyes. she can see the blue in them from here.

observation #12: sometimes she must talk to her ex boyfriend and the places he hit her burn. the boy with the black pea coat is always there. he says nothing, just watches, and makes eye
contact with her when he leaves. silence is the loudest thing at times.

observation #13: the boy with the black pea coat does not love the girl one row over and two desks up anymore. which is sad, because she was just starting to love him.

observation #14: the girl with the backpack uses the money from selling adderall to buy christmas presents for her family. two days later she is caught with it in her backpack and is suspended for three days. no medication on campus, they said. she thinks about the toy she got her little brother.

observation #15: on christmas day, the girl with the backpack helps her little brother open a new lego set. the boy with the black pea coat starts looking up more and the girl one row over and two desks back stops looking back. she never gets to tell him he has pretty eyes. the girl next to him does it for her. there is kissing instead of hitting. but what once was lingers. it always lingers.
-c.h.