Poems

Not Like This

*meant to be spoken word*

Since the 8th grade, I'd had my life planned down to the year,

all the details of all the many little possible improbable scenarios.

The month of my wedding, the color of my first stethoscope,

the design of my bedroom when I have a house of my own.

I'd thought of my first boyfriend more times than I care to admit,

and I'd thought of my first and last relationship a million times more.

I had it all planned.

I'd tell you I loved you a few months in,

a little before you kissed me for the first time,

a little after I told you how damaged I was,

but not the really bad parts.

just enough to open up,

not enough to scare you away,

definitely just enough to make you stay.

I had a list of things I wanted to do with you,

and a list of places I wanted to go to with you,

a list of things I would tell you about me,

a list of things I would take to my grave,

things that are only mine, things you would leave me for.

It wasn't meant to go like this,

wherever we've come, we weren't supposed to reach here.

You weren't supposed to know what I really thought of myself.

You weren't supposed to know the things which made me like this.

You weren't supposed to convince me I'm special

You weren't supposed to tell me I'm enough.

It took too long for me to adjust to the world and see that I'm not special,

it took too much of me to convince myself that i'm not enough.

And now you've messed with my whole mind because you say I'm enough.

You convinced me I'm fine, I'm great, I'm perfect.

I matter

I matter

I matter

It was easy to submit to failure before,

it was easy to not be hurt when I wasn't enough.

Because I realised I wasn't.

I'd thank you for picking me up from rock bottom,

if  I wasn't so scared of always falling back down,

because I was settled down there before, with no place to fall further into.

Now I can see the ground below me but I'm floating,

rising further up the more you pull me out.

it only feels normal when you're with me,

because when I'm alone all that's left is the possibility of falling back down,

and  I can't go back down there ever again

because it was just so damn hard getting out the first time,

it would kill me if i went down there ever again.

So I can't thank you for pulling me out,

because now when anything and then everything goes wrong,

I'm an inch closer to that horrible place,

and believe me if you leave, I will fall,

and I was never as strong as you had me believe

so you know I can't pull myself back up again.

And I'm trying to convince myself I'm not special,

that I don't matter and that I won't matter,

but you're in my way of going to that comfortable place again,

where it was okay to be denied things and pleasures and happiness,

because I knew I didn't deserve any of it.

I'd thank you for putting up with me,

pulling me up with you, even pushing me up above when it got too bad,

but I can't when I know it was not supposed to be like this,

when I know this was supposed to be a walk in the park.

Not like this.

I was supposed to go to my grave with all my issues

buried so deep inside you never saw them,

so deep they never came out and it never felt like this,

like this acid burning me inside and out,

wasn't love supposed to make me feel better?

Weren't you supposed to be an escape from everything?

So why am i so scared

Of falling back in,

Of pulling you with me,

Of mattering.

I've never meant this much to anyone,

I don't know how to cut you off from me,

because when I fall, and I will,

I will take you with me,

and that will be the worst thing I've ever done,

including all the terrible things I've done to myself,

so leave me when you have the chance,

because I'm not going to be up here for long,

you'll get tired,

and leave me or slip,

and I'll fall,

so angry and so sad and so confused

how did i get back here,

i wasn't supposed to be back here,

Didn't I matter?

You said I mattered.

I matter

I matter

I matter

and I'll land on rock bottom again,

Did you lie to me? but you said you loved me,

why would you lie and tell me i mattered?

I wouldn't be here if i mattered.

I wasn't supposed to go through the painful process twice.

I don't matter

I don't matter

I don't matter.