Girly Boys {boyxboy}

Chapter 17: Hospitals?

Hayden's POV

I stared out the window blankly. It's been a while since I've felt any real emotions. Whatever they'd shot me up with that day in the hospital must have acted like an emotional depressant because the world simply didn't affect me as it had before.

It's been five weeks since I'd left the hospital. Five weeks since I'd seen my Dolly. Five weeks since I'd spoken to
Alex and my best friends. I haven't returned to school and I haven't seen my supposedly blood related family or Isabell. This of course wasn't for lack of trying on any of their part except Alex, who I'm pretty sure hates me after the argument we'd had the day before I was discharged.

That day, something was wrong with me, and I refer to something more than gender confusion and all my baggage. I don't even recall how the fight started I only remember what we said to each other...

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I was shaking. Since my breakdown in the hospital bed, I could never stay warm. I always needed a blanket around me. However, that wasn't what had me frustrated, it was a combination of the frustration that burned me up that Alex kept his distance from me. He wouldn't kiss me or even touch my hand. I had to beg for him to come to me at all. That combined with my own issues left me a teary mess, which, of course forced me to berate myself for my girlishness.

Great, I thought in my head, here I go again with the stupid blubbering! Why can't I just be a man like the doctors said I was.

" Stop worrying so much about acting like a guy, Hayden. It's too early for you to even think about it." Alex's voice drawled in my ear.

" I am a fucking guy Alex!" I growled, turning in my bed to glare at him. " It's hard for me to even think about this shit, but you know I have to! Just because she fucked up my head, doesn't mean anything!" My voice shuddered threatening to crack, but I kept going.

" And, that's not the only thing bothering me. You are! Why won't you do more than stand near the door and stare! I hate this, I hate how you come, but I have to beg you to get closer. What's the point of you being here if that's all you do? Huh?" I yelled at him. I was taking it out on him. I knew it, but it wasn't stopping me.

He just looked at me for a few minutes. He didn't say anything, just narrowed his eyes like I was a puzzle missing the last couple of pieces. When he finally opened his mouth to speak, trepidation froze my breathe.

" Have you stopped to think of how this has affected anyone other than yourself? I'm just as confused as you are, maybe more." His expression and tone never changed, but I felt the cold front in his eyes. " Don't you think I need to think about all these things too? I thought I was dating a girl, imagine my surprise when you turn out to be a guy, huh? But, I guess that doesn't matter to you. I thought you were - never mind. I'm gonna go." He turned from me and left. I had never felt colder.

************

He didn't return, and I was given up to the child protective people. Hadie and the parents tried to get me, but the government people mandated that I stayed in a home for a few weeks for observation and psychological aid.

They didn't believe I could function without assistance. I didn't blame them because I knew I couldn't. I was too despondent and unconnected to reality, too damaged to truly live in the real world. I knew it.

My psychologist was coming back again. I'm pretty sure that's why I started looking out the window to begin with. But nowadays, I couldn't really tell the reason for anything I did anymore.

I glanced down at my clothes. The ensemble was a blue concoction that was unisexual, whatever that meant. Long sleeved shirt and pants set. The others I've seen from the times I left my room wore short sleeves and capris, but mine was probably to cover the barely healed tissue that had torn from the chains Dolly placed on me.
That's what I called my fake mother, Dolly. I knew "mother" really wasn't a name for her, but what else could I call her?

A knock on the thin wooden door of my bedroom drew my eyes, and I glanced into the graceful grey eyes of Dr. Woodworth.

Ms. Janice Woodworth was a caucasian woman in her late forties with pale curly auburn hair that had a harsh streak of white through it that somehow made her more approachable than beautiful. She always wore her hair away from in a long braid, and her clothes were a long vibrantly colored cloth skirt and a flowing shirt.

" Hello Hayden," her voice held the airy British quality it always had, " Are you ready to talk today?" She asked that everytime she came to see me.

" Hi Doctor." I looked away from her questioning eyes. She made me feel guilty while her eyes viewed me. " We can talk today."

" What would you like to talk about?" She settled on the desk chair across from my window seat. I didn't look at her, but the gleam of interest in those eyes was enough. She probably thought this was a break through of some kind, but, mostly, I was just tired of holding it in.

" Just my thoughts. Me being a girl and a boy at the same time. I feel so pathetic!" I felt the burning in my eyes, " I don't even know what I am anymore. I mean, what exactly- who am I?" My body curled in on itself then, my hands travelled up to my hair and pulled at them.

" This is good, okay sweetie. It's finally going to get better from here on." She gave me a bright smile and hugged me. I had a hard time believing her, and I didn't realize therapists could touch their patients.

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Hi guys! I know how long it's been but a combo of writers block and fear stopped me from touching wattpad. Sorry guys, after failing that contest, I felt like maybe all my writing was insignificant and stupid, so I couldn't push for any words to reach paper. I couldn't even draw. All my creativity deserted me. Some of its back, resulting in this.

Anywho, feel free to tell me how much it sucks. It won't hurt my feelings :3 Byebye * giggle*