The Diary Project 2-Relationships

8-12-11 Am I not good enough for him?

Okay so ignore the first page. I was bored one day a long time ago *laughs & rolls eyes* I'm so happy tho!! This is like my 6th diary! I never thought I'd be able to fill that many...but I guess I do have a bajillion thoughts lolz. For my first entry, I will continue my apparent tradition about talking about boys *sly smile* I'm sorry okay? Apparently that's my gift/curse...but anyways I haven't written about Thomas in a couple months & things have changed SO much lately. So on Wednesday, two days ago, we had a "chat" b/c I've been so confused, so we talked for two hours & he told me what he thought needed to happen (which I'm loving him being all manly & responsible) & he basically said he wants to be single for a while & not be distracted. And in all honesty, it'll be a relief not to worry about leaving him when I move (more later).

So I guess it's easier to handle than him being like "never will the future of us happen"...it's easier to not focus on him than I thought. But it's still kinda' hard b/c I still love him & know it's him or no one, so it's hard cutting all those emotions off completely. But I'm doing it & I haven't been depressed yet. Although that'll probably change next time I PMS (which I think it most likely in the next two weeks). It's hard thinking about the future because I was never, & still am not, convinced that Thomas loves me; so when I think about what we're doing, I don't know what to expect. I mean, he's gotten more & more along the lines of hinting about us being together & dating, but now that he's gonna' be single for the next year or two, I don't know if that's just on hold or if that's over & done with. And I don't know where I fit in. if dating is just on hold, then is he looking forward to dating me or just any girl? And when will he finally tell me that it's done if that's the future he wants? You know how I'm really good with seeing where relationships go & how it's gonna' end up? And how I called Keith & I's? Well, one day at work this week I got this sudden...I don't know, revelation? And it made my blood chill.

All of a sudden I saw him in my head in the future telling me that he's sorry & it just isn't going to work out & then gets with another girl. [Remember this.] And I was so in shock from that b/c usually I'm right about that kind of stuff. *frowns* I can see him being like, "I don't want anything to do with you." And I'm afraid it's going to come true. So afraid...I gave him my first kiss, I tell him so much about my life, dreams, preferences, opinions...I'm scared to lose him; I've promised him everything. He holds the key to my happiness, I know it. I want to be his so badly...And I wish he'd want to be mine & choose me over the millions of other, more beautiful women out there. It's funny, I love romance & guys doing things for girls & showing their love them & choosing them over everything else...but he's none of that. It's so ironic every time I think of that. Thomas has never done anything like I've wanted. Take Ronald; he would always choose Talia's side/team/group/follow her, etc...true, it was in a whipped kind of way that I make fun of, but he chose her. He didn't let anything stand between them. And I know he was always sweet to her & looked out for her.

Keith was like that. He would stay behind w/ me, offer to carry things for me, etc...I was never confused about or doubting his feelings. With Thomas, it was always/still is a mystery from 5 mins to the next, I have no clue. It was easier when we were first starting out b/c he's had a crush on me. So he was happy to finally get me & he showed it. But now...we have to hide it & pretend it's not there. HOW DO I HIDE SOMETHING THAT I FEEL SO STRONGLY ABOUT?! I mean, seriously!? I can't hide that I love God, how do I hide that I love Thomas? Especially when everyone already knows. [So true. We were the not-so-secret couple.] The only reason I do it is for him. I'm following his lead, & right now he wants to be single & not have me as a distraction. I'm barely avoiding crying (& PMS-ing it'll be bawling) whenever I think about that. He views me as a distraction? Like, I can't help him or be spiritual with him? Am I not good enough for him? ---> This is why I worry about "dumping" me in the future.

But then I have to remind myself that he's still really sweet & caring sometimes and that one day when I had to talk to him about what my friend had told me, he thought he was gonna' lose me & that I was dumping him for sure. I liked that so much b/c he was constantly kissing & holding my hand & looking at me & repeating the fact that I was the only girl, etc...I can't forget that & I have to remember that he still feels that way even if he doesn't show it openly. Just like I'm sure he has to do it with me feeling for him. Although, I think I show it more than he does. But anyways, that's ventage about Thomas.

-Rane C.