The Diary Project 2-Relationships

9-2-10 I have to hide it from everyone

I'm slipping…..I'm slowly cracking and splitting apart and losing a grip on reality. I can't talk to anyone about my problems and praying to God is getting hard, but that's because my brain is shutting down. I'm starting to not focus on any specifics, it's all very general in my mind. It's hard to stay in the real world. I either want to read or sleep or read myself to sleep. I feel like I'm taking drugs or something that clouds my thinking. It's hard to force myself to do anything lately, all I want to do is lay in bed & listen to music & NOT THINK about anything. All my mistakes & flaws & stress & problems weigh too heavily on my mind. I desperately need someone to talk to, but everyone who would understand or possibly help have too many of their own problems for me to feel okay bothering them & anyone who isn't under a lot of stress wouldn't really understand.

I feel like I'm on a tightrope so high up that I can't see the ground & the wind is shaking everything so badly that my feet are getting sliced up as I try to stay on but I'm fading & losing my balance and I'm thinking of just letting my feet slip off & find out if there's even ground at all. Once again, tonight I'll put on a dress & makeup & get all pretty for no reason in particular, force myself to drive sanely to church, plaster a smile on my façade, push my shoulders up, & sit there, acting like it's all good & we're all a happy family. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'll play nice with Faye & my dad, smile & hug for the 1,000+ eyes that are watching us. I'll swallow my pains & fears & smile & play with the lil ones, laugh & joke with my peers, & talk about different topics with the older ones. No one will suspect a thing. No one ever sees the flashes of pain in my eyes or the deep breaths I have to force into my lungs during the meeting in the bathroom so that I don't start screaming or crying or both. I have to hide it from everyone & I do it very well if I do say so myself.

Thomas may brag that he's inside my head & knows me too well, but that's just what I let him believe. Seriously, he knows nothing about me. I can't tell him or for that matter anyone, about my dad's alcohol problem or the fact that he's joking around about "getting sober" like he's a drunkard. I can't say a word about how I can't depend on my father or get anything from him. Nothing about Faye or how I welcomed her with open arms, or at least tried in my head, & she totally shut everything down & tried to change EVERYTHING. Not a word about how I'm trapped between a rock & a hard spot with moving into a house. And how I want/need to escape outta hear. (Here being my situation, my family, my past, my state, my LIFE!) And of course, I can't talk bad about Bob because everyone likes him. I don't dare breathe a word about how abusive Logan is to me and I can't share any of the dark secrets/regrets from my past that weigh on me & my conscience.

And of course anyone will tell me that what I think is stupid or flaw-y about myself isn't true or they'll brush it aside as non-relevant. The thing that SUPER bugs me right now though is the whole Talia thing & how I can't help my best friend and I know she's depressed and she's hurting & I CANNOT HELP HER! She has to rely on a freaking guy, not her bestie for support! HOW the hell is that supposed to sit right with me?!?! I could strangle her mother for what she's doing to Talia! Ugh! Just one more thing to add to the list of things that I have to stamp down & hide with a fake smile…

-Rane C.