MoReid One-Shots

You Are My Home

Hello, guys, I wasn't feeling well lately, I still don't feel well. So I wrote this one shot. A lot of warnings.

Suicide attempt, Suicidal thoughts, depression, self-criticism, and character death

Human - By AUSTIN

Video credit - Ad Edits (youtube)

I hope you guys like it :)

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Spencer Reid dragged his feet across the floor of the bureau office, exhaustedly. He just wanted to be at home and lay down but he just got here. He breathed heavily as he seated himself at his desk. He looked over to his pile and seen it as it has been doubled up. He was certainly not in the mood to read all the files, he just wanted to be home and just shut out of the world. But deep down, he wanted to help people. Certainly he can't have both at the moment. So he picked up the file from the pile and started speed reading it.

His eyes were reading the file but the mind wasn't on the file. He's deeply distracted, he's really worried about one thing. The one thing only was that he hasn't been himself lately. He felt so disconnected from the world for a long time, and he couldn't bring himself to have a self-care everyday as usual. His mother has passed away few weeks ago and he just felt much worse than before. His mother was the only person that he felt sane. Now with his mother gone, he felt empty. It was like a big part of him has been ripped away from him.

He was not interested in interacting with his father who neglected him since he was 10. He still has not forgiven him for that. But, at least, he has his BAU family. Well, he doesn't feel like they are his family because he rarely interacted with them. He always went straight home after work when they have an outing. He would have a drink but just went home afterwards because he felt so socially awkward in public. Social confused him a lot and he does not like it.

He felt like he only valued himself as genius on the team. He wished he meant more to the team than his brain. He felt that if he wasn't smart, he wouldn't be part of the team at all. He could feel himself getting upset because of those thoughts he was having, no matter how true the thoughts were to him. He just doesn't want it to be true. He often got into situations where he got hurt so bad, it felt like it wasn't enough to have people to appreciate him more for the most courageous act he did. Trying to talk down the unsubs so many times to put himself and the unsubs at risk.

He remembered Hankel, who got him addicted to Dilaudid. He had to kill him, he wanted to kill Tobias' father, but not Tobias. He felt so guilty for a long time because of that. He didn't want the team to know that he's addicted to drugs while working on the cases, which was a huge risk. He felt like he didn't deserve to keep the job since he did drugs. He felt so bad, so he confessed to Gideon, the person he looked up to, about his drug problem. Gideon and him don't really fall deep in conversation about his drug problem, but it ended sooner. He finally kicked the addiction on his own, he was proud. 

He remembered that Hotchner was so damned pissed that Spencer blocked out the team's fires just to talk the kid unsub. He didn't understand what he did was wrong, the unsub was bullied. Reid understood that very well himself, because he was a victim of bullying. He doesn't want to think of himself as a victim because he doesn't want to appear weak. He wanted to help the unsub, because he wasn't helped when he was bullied. Hotchner explained to him that the act he did was very dangerous. Spencer understood, but doesn't agree for Hotchner to be pissed at him about it.

He remembered at that time where he was attacked by a deadly virus, was known as anthrax. He was not really terrified of dying, but all he deeply cared about was the victims so he could have the doctors to reverse anthrax. He found himself waking up at the hospital, alone with Derek. He was certainly amazed that Derek was the only one who stayed. He felt touched but sad at the same time. He wanted to feel the value on the team, but not seeing them there really torn his heart in pieces. He figured that Derek didn't want to be there anyway. So he kept quiet.