Suicide

10

I wake up in my warm bed, my alarm clock showed 4 am. Instead of getting up instantly I stay in bed a bit longer. The covers felt warm, making me feel loved, making me feel how I felt when Taehyung used to hug me. I close my eyes for a few seconds and open them again. I get up after a few more minutes of laying down, checking my phone and following through with my normal routine.

I left the house late enough to go straight to school without having to kill some time first. I go to my locker, taking out my books that I needed and putting my homework away. I feel my phone vibrate inside my pocket.

TaeTae

Kookie, please let's talk~

Chim Chim

Jungkookie what are you ignoring us?

I  turn off my phone screen and put it in my pocket, walking off to class. I sit down at the window seat as usual, just looking out and thinking. I take my phone out my pocket and plug my headphones into the jack, putting my playlist on shuffle. I hadn't listened to music since we had moved. I hum along to the song and look out the window. My mind slowly started to wonder, until my heart stopped when I remember, Taehyung and Jimin were in this class.

How was I going to explain why I wasn't responding to their texts and ignoring them. "Oh yeah, I've just been feeling like complete shit, wanting to take my life and shit so I didn't feel like talking to you guys," I say in my head. Yeah right! A few minutes later I felt someone in front of my desk. I take out my headphones and look up, Taehyung and Jimin were standing in front of me. "Jungkookie-ah why are you ignoring us?" Jimin asks, visibly hurt.

I opened my mouth but shut it again. If Taehyung looked hurt before, he was even more hurt before. "Jungkook you can't just avoid us a whole day, ignore us and then when we come up to you say nothing!" Taehyung exclaims. "Or do you not have a good reason? You just felt like being a piece of shit to us?" He asks, his words hurt me more than my own self harm. "Didn't feel like you had enough attention already? Oh look at me, I have all these problems so I get to be a COMPLETE ASSHOLE TO ALL MY FRIENDS!" Taehyung yelled.

I couldn't even make eye contact, his words cut and hurt me. "Oh look at me, I have daddy issues so I can ignore people if I want to, only to crawl back to them when I need attention again," Taehyung mocks. I could feel people's eyes on the situation. "WELL GUESS WHAT JUNGKOOK YOU CAN'T JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL THESE-," I didn't want to hear it. I stood up, grabbed my bag and took off. I ran down the hall, tears streaming down my cheeks.

I ran up to the roof and threw my bag, it rolled almost to the edge where I soon joined it. I looked down again, I was breathing so heavily and at the same time, being so short of breath. I cried, collapsing, burying my face in my hands. I remember Melanie's words, "jump or not, I won't judge, I barely know you but hey, there are people down there who do, and it may not seem like it but there are people down there who care." As much as I didn't want to admit it only some of her words were true.

There was no one who cared.

Taehyung yelled at me, he doesn't know what it's like though. He hasn't been on anti-depressants before. He hasn't had the stinging pain of being slapped by his own father. If only he knew the pain, if only. I hear the door to the roof open. I look behind me, Jimin, Seokjin and Hoseok were there. "Jungkook!" Seokjin says, he starts to run toward me, until I get up, "I GET IT!" I scream at them, Seokjin stops running. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME AND TELL ME AGAIN, I FUCKING  GET IT!" I yell. Seokjin stops running. "Jungkookie you know Tae didn't mean what he said. He gets mad when people ignore him."

"No, no, no, no!" I say to him, "I don't give a single FUCK if he was mad, because he meant all those words," I say. "Jungkook I can assure you-," I cut Seokjin off again. "I've had 17 years of people telling me that 'they didn't mean it' IF THEY DIDN'T MEAN IT, THEY'D WOULD COME AND TELL MY THEM SELF! EVEN BETTER NOT EVEN SAY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!" I yell. Seokjin opens his mouth and closes it again. I kick my bag over the side of the building, and walk away, going to the other door. "JUNGKOOK WAIT!" I hear someone call. "SHUT THE FUCK UP I GET IT!" I scream back, without turning around. 

"JUNGKOOK-," I cut them off again, "I GOT THE MESSAGE!" I yell, and walk off the roof, slamming the door behind me. I walk down the stairs and out to the front of the school, I pick up my bag and look up, the people I used to call friends look down. I just walk away, out the school even though school had just started.