Suicide

6

I walk out of the hospital doors with Taehyung, "where to?" Taehyung asks me. "Home," I whisper. Taehyung gives me a smile but in his eyes I can see that he was concerned. We walk toward my house in silence. As we get in front of house's gate Taehyung wraps me into a hug, "be safe Kookie," Taehyung whispers in my ear. I nod and hug him back, closing my eyes for a few seconds before we part. 

I unlock the door and walk into my house, giving Taehyung a final goodbye before shutting the door. I turn around and look around the house, there was something so unfamiliar about it. It was so quiet it gave me goose bumps, the smell of alcohol is even stronger than what it was when I was taken away. "M-Mum?" I call out, my voice breaking. I walk to the table, there was no no note explaining where they were. I walk up the stairs and go to my room and look around.

I hear voices coming from my parent's room, it sounded like arguing. I cautiously walk toward my parent's room. The door wasn't closed all the way, allowing me too look through just a crack between the door. "I don't care Chul, he's my son too! You can't keep treating him like this, you can't keep treating US like this!" My mother growls. My father lift's his hand and brings it across Mum's face. I wince, knowing how much it hurts. She gets right back up and in his face, "you know what? Jungkook is right! You're toxic to this family!" Mum says, starting to raise her voice. "From all people, I wouldn't expect this from you, I thought you'd know better," my father growls. "Oh, because I'm your fucking slave? You can't expect every to be your door mat!" Mum yells.

"I put my back into this family, I am the one who brings in the money."

"You make this family miserable-."

"I AM THE ONE PULLING THIS FAMILY'S ENTIRE WEIGHT!"

"YOUR THE ONE WHO PUT OUR SON IN HOSPITAL, YOUR THE ONE WHO BEATS OUR SON, YOUR THE ONE WHO MAKES EVERYONE DO YOUR SHIT FOR YOU!"

"YOU DON'T DO SHIT AROUND HERE!"

"I DO MORE SHIT THAN YOU! WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU SIT ON THE COUCH DRINK YOUR LIFE AWAY, ORDER ME TO DO THE CHORES AND BEAT YOUR SON!"

"He deserves it!"

"You deserve it more than anyone in this entire house, he's a kid, he doesn't need to be dealing with an abusive father." 

"The little shit needs to know how to follow orders,"

"JUNGKOOK, HIS NAME IS JUNGKOOK, AND HE'S NOT A DOG! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEAD!"

I look away as my father goes to hit my mother again. I run away from their argument, not wanting to see what comes next. I run back to my room, shut the door and collapse. This might be it, my parents might finally get a divorce. I don't know why but as much as I felt happy I felt scared. What if my father got full custody over me? Then he'd never get bored of me, he'd have no one else to talk to, I'd probably be beaten to death.

I put my head in my arms and cry, my mother's words ringing in my head, "JUNGKOOK, HIS NAME IS JUNGKOOK, AN HE'S NOT A DOG! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEAD!" The words keep repeating themselves over and over. I didn't know why I was crying, I didn't know why I was hurting right now, but I was. I wipe my tears away and get up, looking around, just looking. I didn't know what I was doing. I suddenly got the feeling of falling like when you miss a step while walking down the stairs. I was fighting for breath, feeling like I was so tied down, while at the same time, feeling like I was floating away and looking at myself. 

I was feeling everything and nothing at once, my soul begging to just jump out my skin to escape this horrible feeling. Then it hit me, I was having a panic attack. I fall down, crying, short of breath. "This will pass, it will pass, calm down, it will pass, it will pass, it will pass..." I whisper to myself. My lungs felt like they were going to explode, I see my phone not to far away from me.

I grab it, hold onto it and I call Taehyung.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

"Jungkook?"

I didn't say anything, seeing as I was short of breath and sobbing.

"Jungkook, what's wrong?"

Just hearing his voice softened the experience, I could feel the air start flowing through my lungs again.

"Kookie?"

I take a deep breath in once I finally could.

"Tae," I whisper, quietly sobbing.

"Jungkook, what's wrong?"

"I-I h-h-had a panic a-attack."

"Kookie, are you okay now?"

"I... I think s-so."

Taehyung calms me down a bit more before ending the call. I breath in deeply, never wanting to experience another panic attack ever again. I get up off the floor and into the bathroom. "I can't believe you, just push your problems onto someone else, selfish," the harsh voice in my head spits. I whimper at my own harsh words, "do you really think he has time to tend to you every time you stub your toe? HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME YOUR YOUR BULLSHIT! HE ACTUALLY HAS A LIFE! Unlike you," the voice growls.

I look at myself for a bit longer before bending down and looking through one of my draws. I find the new pack of razors and rip them open. I pull the plastic covering off the top of the blade and dig the blade into my skin. First I just run the blade across my skin. Red little dots surface, it makes me feel calm, it silences the constant self hate, but only for a bit. I cut again, and again, again, again, again, again, the red blood drips from my wrists. I take the razor to my legs and hack them open until I was covered in my own blood.