Holding Onto You

Car Radio

After you got everything with the car figured out, you ended with $9,000 left. It took a month to fix the car. you had to deal with insurance and wait for the tail light to come in. you decided to put the rest of the money into your bank account. you could use it later. A month passed and Josh and you hadn't spent much time together. you figured they were busy with the band. It bothered you just a little, but it was fine. Life has gotten a little more difficult since the car accident. Meg had gotten a chance to graduate early, and she chose to accept it. Her last day would be Friday, next week. Today was Saturday. She didn't have much longer here. She was your only roommate. you wouldn't get a new one until next year, which this was the beginning of the year. you would be lonely. Meg was your best friend. you felt like you could talk to her about anything. She was your first friend that you made at your first year of college. you both started the same year.

Not only that, but your mother was sick. your dad had called you last week to tell you about her. She went to the doctor to find out she has pneumonia. Now it is at it's worst state. you aren't sure if she's going to make it. your dad was already in bad health. He was a smoker. He wasn't completely addicted, he has layed off some, but the consequences are catching up to him like you said they would.

Now youre worried about Meg, mom, and dad. And Josh, since you haven't seen him or talked to him in a while. you wondered how he was doing? you wondered if he was thinking of you? you was thinking of him. you thought about him every day. you missed his warn hands around you. you missed his soft kisses. you missed everything about him. you wondered when you would see him again? Wouldn't he have told you if they were going somewhere? you felt a buzz from your phone. your heart skipped a beat as you pulled your phone out from your pocket. you was sitting criss cross on your bed with your laptop. you was reading fan fictions on Wattpad. One of them made you cry. you had on Jean shorts and a Black t-shirt. It was blank. As you looked at who the new message was from, your heart sank again. It was (f/n). Not that you didn't want her to text you, but you was just hoping it would be Josh.
"Hey" she said. you texted back.
"Hey"
"You alright?" she asked. you had told her about everything going on. Even Josh.
"Yeah..I'm fine"
"You sure?"
"Yeah"
"How's mom and dad?" she asked. you had been best friends since kindergarten. She would always come over either for the day or to stay the night. your parents always let her. Eventually it got to where she didn't even have to ask. She was welcome to come in "whenever she felt like it," as your parents would say. She was like their second daughter. (f/n) even called them her own parents. She came over so much it was like she was your sister. you considered her as one. you always had each others back.
"Not so good," you texted back. "He called this morning and said it was at it's worst state. Dad isn't at his best either."
"Oh. I'm so sorry (y/n)." you started to feel tears forming.
"It's okay. Its fine"
"Just don't do what you did in high school" She said. your heart stopped.
"Don't bring that up...."
"Sorry.....but...please Don't. You know what happened last time....."
you didn't message back. you looked away from your phone and traced a scar that ran across your thigh. Back in high school, you thought your life couldn't get any worse. your parents had divorced, your friend had killed herself, (one that you had made that year), you found out that your boyfriend had cheated on you more times than you could count, and your closest grandmother had died.
you thought the only way to release your pain you felt on the inside, was to let it out through pain on the outside. you started cutting. you never thought much about the pain. All you remembered was seeing the blood run down you leg or wrists. The cuts on your wrist weren't as bad. Neither were the ones on your legs, except that one. All the other scars are gone. You can't see them anymore. One day, you came home to see your dad leaving and your mom in the worst mood ever. She screamed at you All day. Eventually, you had had enough. you went to your room and locked the door. you had a knife hidden under your mattress. you started to cut again, but this time, on your legs. you was so angry and done, you didn't care about the pain you felt. Then you got to the one that left the scar you was still tracing. your mom was screaming at you  to open your door. you was so angry, you burst into tears and  cut one more. This one was too deep. The pain was too much. It seeped through your anger to allow you to feel it. When it happened, you immediately threw down the knife and screamed. Blood was rushing everywhere. you could see the muscle. Almost the bone. your mom had managed to break down the door to get to you when she heard your scream. (she literally broke it down. It came right off the hinges.) you never thought you would see a mouth open as wide as hers did at the sight of your cut. She grabbed you and carried you to the car. She had never driven this fast before. She drove you to the hospital and demanded you went to the ER. When they let you in, they put you to sleep. you didn't remember anything else after that. you woke up with stitches and blood stains on your leg. you swore to never cut again. Ever since then, you had never touched a knife. In fact, you was terrified of them. Anytime you saw one, the memories would flood back.
"(y/n)?" your phone buzzed again. you jumped. It was (f/n) messaging you.
"Yeah?"
"You okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine" you said a little too quickly.
"You didn't do anything did you?"
"No, you know I swore I wouldn't do it anymore"
"I'm coming over" she said.
"(f/n) I swear I'm fine" you said. No response. you groaned. It was nice she cared and all, but sometimes she cared a bit too much. you flopped down on the bed. you stared at the design of the ceiling. The thought of josh popped in your head. you missed him. Was he doing okay? Of course he was. He was famous. They wouldn't allow him to be hurt. Right about now is when you needed Josh.  With everything going on, josh was the one who made you feel like everything would be okay. Something about him just comforted you. you love him. you need him. youre glad he's doing something he loves but you just wish you could be there with him. Wherever they were. Why wouldnt he have texted you though? You would think he would. Instead of leaving you guessing.