"Steph, time to finish packing! We've been doing this all day!" Lindsey shouts from my closet room. I roll my eyes, coming out of the bedroom.
"Bex is sleeping!" I whisper-shout. I hear her whimper and I cross my arms, giving him a look. "She took so long to settle."
"She knows mommy is leaving." he says, following me to her nursery.
The furniture had arrived the day she was born. Looking back, I think I was in labor but also in complete denial that it was finally happening. Just as it always does with us, in some magical way, everything seemed to fall into place. That was a year ago. As I stand in her room, I remember all of the work we put into it, all the people who gifted us little outfits or art work. The framed pictures above her crib taken on the day she was born, her birth announcement, also framed, on the night stand Rebecca Sloane Buckingham.
"Hey, sweet girl" I say as I pick her up and press my baby to my chest. I breathe in her scent, running my fingers through her bourbon curls. Her eyes, strikingly similar to her father's, fix on my face. She's tired but aware. From the moment she was born, she felt wise beyond her years. I place her head on my shoulder, swaying with her. She grabs a handful of my shirt and holds on for dear life. Her grip is so intense. Maybe she does know that I'm leaving. My tour has been rescheduled and I leave tomorrow morning. The thought of leaving her is hard but Lindsey tells me I need to do it. I love to perform and I've waited so long to discuss this album fully with the wedding and the birth of our daughter. I start humming a tune as I clean up her crib a little, moving stuffed animals and things from around her so I can lay her back down. Her pacifier is missing and I could have sworn she just had it.
In a few more minutes, I tell myself, not wanting to let go of her either. I want to make this one short, like with Bella Donna. I have commitments, not just to Fleetwood Mac, but to my family. Lindsey is working too and we are working to make sure our solo projects don't conflict. We want one of us to be with our daughter at all times. I don't want a nanny, someone else raising our baby while we're away being rockstars. That wasn't the plan when we conceived her and I think that our views on this have only strengthened as time went on. She's the light of our lives.
I put Rebecca down, realizing her hand has loosened from my shirt and her breathing has evened out. I cover her up with her blanket and smooth the little crease of her forehead. Lindsey wraps his arms around my waist and I smile. He presses a kiss to my neck, nuzzling his nose into the soft skin below my ear.
"You're such a good mother" he tells me.
"You think so?"
"I know so" I turn around in his arms so I can face him. He's tired but handsome and he hasn't shaved, a few day's worth of stubble present on his face. "Everyone can see how dedicated you are to the baby and I. You're an incredible mother and wife, even when you don't think so."
"Thank you, Linds."
"You're welcome. I'm only telling you the truth. I also need you to know that everything will go perfectly while you're away, both on stage and here at home. You don't have to worry."
"Sometimes I don't want to leave."
"And that's okay" he says, smoothing my cheek with his warm hand. "This is your job and you're so good at it. You've already done a show here in LA, so what are you so worried about?" I shrug. "You make so many people happy, Stevie. You change lives. You changed mine the moment you started singing California Dreamin' with me." He smiles and the tears that were welling up in my eyes finally fall down my cheeks.
"I love you"
"I love you too, Steph" He holds me tight, knowing I don't want to let go of him just as much as Rebecca didn't want to let go of me. "Everything is going to be okay. We will both be here when you get back."
