Lindsey thought my tour would be canceled immediately, he thought I would be staying home and preparing for the baby like a good girl, but he also should know it wouldn't be so easy. I have a lot of commitments, a lot of people waiting for this tour and other events that will follow.
"It's coming down to the wire, Steph." he says softly, knowing that yelling at me wouldn't do anything but make me burst into tears right where I am. My hormones are all over the place and I suppose he knows to tread lightly now.
"I know, honey"
"Tickets will be on sale soon"
"I know, honey" I repeat, hoping he will take the hint and stop pestering me. I'm painting my toenails sitting on the closed lid of the toilet with my foot up on the side of the bath tub. I don't really think now is the time to ask me anything about anything. The belly is getting bigger and this is a job and half just to bend over far enough and long enough to get a single red brush stroke on any of these little piggies.
"So you're just going to ignore it?"
"No"
"Then what are you going to do about it?"
"I'm going to sit here and paint my nails, wait for them to dry then go downstairs and get a glass of iced tea."
"Stephanie" he scolds, as if I'm a child.
"Lindsey" I say in very much the same tone he spoke to me. It's no use, I can't focus and now that I'm slightly out of breath, I'm no longer interested in painting my nails, especially with Lindsey around. I put the cap on the bottle and put it back with my other innumerable bottles of nail polish in the basket under my sink. I stand up and leave the room. I hear his hands smack the sides of his thighs and I smile to myself, climbing up onto my bed.
"This is getting real old, Steph. You said you'd think about it."
"And I am"
"You don't have as much time as you think. You're almost five months pregnant, if you haven't noticed, and tickets are going on sale. In two months, you will be singing in front of thousands of people, twirling in your little platform boots, shaking your tambourine!" My eyes light up. Oh, how I love to perform! "But this time will be so much different than your Bella Donna/White Winged Dove whatever, and all the others before!"
"Yeah, I'll be stone sober." I say but he doesn't laugh or even smile.
"And seven months pregnant!" he shouts.
"I know but I don't want to let people down. We've talked about this and I said I would have to think about it."
"I've given you weeks to call someone and stop the show before anyone has the chance to buy tickets- before they even go on sale"
"I know!"
"And you haven't done it!"
"I'm still deciding, Lindsey."
"I told you how I feel about this and you said you understood, you wouldn't do the tour."
"I never said that"
"I was under the impression...you know what, never mind. You're right. Go on tour, travel, see the world, bring home a million stuffed animals, letters and gifts and forget all about our child that is growing inside of you. You think there won't be pressures on the road? You think things will be easy? No, they won't be, and you're going to be so tired! You're tired even just being around here, hosting Sunday brunch for our friends. What about a two hour show?"
"Adrenaline" I argue and he scoffs. "I'm not liking this side of you."
"That's fine, you don't have to like it." he said, his entire demeanor softening. He looked me right in the eyes and I could see the sincerity in what he was about to say. "I'm just standing here as your husband, worried sick about you and that baby. I don't want you to feel like the tour was a mistake if you have to cancel half way through or even after the second show. I love you and I want you to be happy. You could even move the dates and tour after you've had the baby, I would be totally fine with that but you're not willing to see yourself as human. We can't always do everything we want all the time. We have limitations, whether it be time, something physical, mental, or emotional. Sometimes we have to let ourselves down but we can only do the very best we can with what we have and right now, I think that it is important for you to be home." I look down at my growing belly and stroke it, absorbing what he's saying. "But you can do whatever you want." He sounds defeated and when I look up, he's leaving the room.
"No, Lindsey, wait..." I call and he turns back to look at me. Tears fall down my cheeks and I nod. "I'll...I'll cancel it."
"Stevie, I know you feel pressured to but that wasn't exactly my intention. I care about you, I love you, and..."
"No, you're right. Right here, in this house, we are doing something incredible. We have been waiting for this for so long." I rub my belly, smiling a little through my tears. "We don't have clothes or a crib, a rocking chair or book shelves for all of those sweet little golden books and board books babies love. We haven't even decided on the room we are going to have this little baby sleep in and you're right, it's getting down to the wire and we have nothing!" Had I powered through tour and come back, we'd be stuffing a pillow in the dresser drawer and having the baby sleep in there like in all the old movies. That thought alone makes me cry even more.
Lindsey chuckles before realizing I'm in full blown tears. "Oh, honey, we might have nothing now but we can fix that, we have time."
"But it's running out. The baby will be here!" I sob. He sits down next to me and pulls me into his embrace.
"Sweetheart..." He strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head. "Don't worry about this. If you're canceling tour, maybe we can fill up all that time with shopping for the baby."
"Really?" I ask, wiping my tears as I pull away slightly to look at him.
"Yeah, of course." he says with a smile. "What, did saying you could shop make you feel better?" I nod and he laughs. "Well, we can shop as much as you want. We need everything."
"We? But you hate shopping."
"I do, that's true but you'll need someone to carry all those bags" he jokes and I playfully swat at him. "I promise not to whine, complain or wander off at all. I will be right there."
"Thank you, Lindsey." I tilt my face upward to kiss his lips.
"You don't have to thank me"
"But I do. You're supportive and caring...it means so much to me."
"That's what husbands do" He places his hand on my belly. He kisses me passionately but something happens and all of a sudden I pull away. "What?" he asks.
"You didn't feel that?"
"Feel what?" He looks confused at first but his expression changes when it happens again. "Oh my god...was that?"
"The baby moved!" I settle both my hands on my belly, jigsaw puzzle piecing them wherever Lindsey's aren't.
"Come on baby, do it again." he coaches and I look up at him briefly, smiling. We feel the baby a few more times and each time, Lindsey's smile grows. "This is amazing, Steph" He leans forward and kisses my forehead then my lips. "I love you both so much. My entire world fits right here in this room."
Mine too.
