Back from the Brink (Book 2 of Arrow/SPN Crossovers)

Waking Up

Chapter 7 Waking Up

As soon as he shut the door and breathed in some of the mountain air he felt a bit better. He took a look around trying to decide which way to go. One path seemed to lead the lake, another went behind the house and a third headed off into a forested area. He shrugged and headed to the water. Mountain sounds filled the air, wind rustling the leaves, birds chirping, scurrying in the underbrush. It was odd to not hear city sounds, he felt like he should be hearing more than he was. Jessica would have loved this spot, she came from a rural area and had always talked about how revitalizing being outdoors was. They had done a few hikes and camping trips but Sam never really got into it. He enjoyed them because he had been with her. He actually proposed to her on a hike. He had wanted it to be all about her. She had always wanted to see the Redwood Forest in California. So he had surprised her with a trip  one Spring Break. He planned the trip to happen during a full moon, and proposed to her by a campfire the night of the full moon, surrounded by the enormous trees. They missed a few days of school to make it work but they were both straight A students and figured they had deserved a break. God he missed her so much.

Dean, on the other hand, would have been bored out of his wits right now. Sam had planned on introducing Jessica to at least Dean at some point, he had told her a few things about him. She had felt that Dean was a complete asshole for not staying in contact with Sam. Sam hadn’t been able to explain how complex and deep their relationship really was. He had seen the Impala and his Dad’s truck drive by the school or Jessica’s place a few times, he had been raised to be aware of his surroundings after all. Besides those two vehicles weren’t exactly inconspicuous. He felt that if the two of them had wanted to actually talk they would have. Sam knew that thinking about Jessica was a way for him to avoid thinking about Dean but he needed to deal with both of the losses. It disturbed him that the death of his father was the least painful. He thought he should feel more about it but John was such an absentee father that the only thing the two of them shared was a relationship with Dean. Looking back Sam could admit, at least to himself, that one reason that he and his father had constantly fought is that when he was back Sam got less of Dean’s attention.

Things ran smoother when it was just he and Dean. They had their routine, they knew what was expected, they backed each other. Dad would show up and Dean’s whole focus would become about  trying to please his Dad and not questioning orders. It was like he stopped thinking for himself. Dean and Dad would bond over weapons and fighting and as Dean got older women. Sam became the odd one out. When Dad left he and Dean would grow close again. A sudden thought hit Sam that Dean never really got to develop his own personality. When Dad was around he became Dean the obedient son when Dad was gone he was forced to become Dean the substitute dad and provider. Dean had loved both his brother and his father. He realized now how much it must have hurt Dean when he had left. He couldn’t choose between the two because he loved both equally. His brother and his father were quite honestly the two sides of Dean. Sam started to think about how life must have been for them after Mary had been killed. Dean would have had to try to keep his dad sane in some way and care for Sam, who was an infant. Looking at how shattered he was when Jessica died he could begin to see how his Dad must have felt, plus having the burden of two children he had to keep safe. As soon as that thought hit Sam he almost collapsed under the weight of it. He looked around for a place to sit and discovered he had reached a small boat dock. Walking out onto the dock he braced himself against the tie up poles for the boats and slid down to sit on the dock, unable to stand any longer.

“Damn it Dean, I was such a selfish kid. I never thought about how close you and Dad had to have been. How he must have watched over you just as you did me. You respected and obeyed him because he had earned it, just like when push came to shove I obeyed you. I’m such an idiot. I’m so sorry. “ Tears started running down his face and he really didn’t care. He sat there for a long time imagining life on the road for his father and brother and how they had struggled to survive. By removing himself from the equation as an active participant but he could see it from the perspective of his father. The worry, the constant fear, the absolute necessity of keeping his children safe from the horrors of the night. Learning about what was really out there and what had killed the love of his life. It wasn’t hard to do. He and Dean had worried about each other but when they hunted they were adults, they knew the risks and how to keep safe, mostly. When his Dad had first started hunting he had to leave his children alone to keep them safe. No wonder he was so paranoid and held on so tight to his sons. Those days on the hunt, Sam knew that his father spent hours on end wondering if his sons were still safe. That was why he had drilled them so hard and had embedded into Dean’s head that he had to protect Sam at all cost. He remembered that his Dad’s last words to Dean were that if he couldn’t save Sam from the demon blood he would have to kill him. His Dad never got a chance to tell Sam about the blood and he never found out how his father had discovered what had happened that night in the nursery. Looking at things from his father’s perspective he couldn't imagine the amount of pain that must have caused his Dad then to have that be his parting words to his oldest son. The emotions that started rocketing through Sam were so overwhelming, complicated and intense his stomach literally cramped and he couldn’t breathe. Every interaction with Dean and his father took on whole new shades and underlying emotions.