In love with Lucifer

Chapter 21: Silenced

There was nothing around me, except darkness. The feeling of suffocation was unbearable. It was like air did not exist, I was in a void; I couldn't blink or move my eyes, I did not feel my hands, I did not feel my feet. I was trying with all my power to breathe in, breathe out, but it felt almost as if I had cotton stuck from the tip of my tongue until it fulfilled my lungs, I felt it in my brain and in my nose. I was choking on it. The only reason I knew I was alive was because I felt cold. I couldn't tell if I was shivering or not, but the cold was there. Breathing was like inhaling smoke together with a feeling with nothingness. I guess it resembled suicide. I don't understand how knew this, but it was exactly like suicide.

I finally opened my eyes and saw a little bit of light. I was at home, with Eyra sitting on my chest, breathing loudly. In that moment I had realized I didn't commit suicide. Or maybe I was in Heaven and that was just me literally dying. I did not cry my eyes out like the first time I had dreams like these. I was actually relieved to be alive, or at least not in a bad place. But the humanity in me was slowly fading. Or maybe just the memory of it was pulsing vaguely through me.

I don't remember when summer ended. I don't remember how time passes. It's all like a big wave just covering the beach and washing away the dead fish, while bringing new dead fish on the shore. The sadness inside me is not having space anymore, it needs to get out. I have tried to say I don't want to die, but actually I do want to. I want to go to Heaven. I want to feel the void filling my lungs, covering my skin, closing my eyes. And maybe I don't know the meaning of Heaven, but I do know what Hell means.

I quickly realized this was no Heaven either. Surprisingly I wasn't dead yet. I had big gaps of time inside of me. I guess I also lacked common sense. They've been trying to convince me this is no life and they are right. I have no friends anymore, mother is always at work, I miss dad. I hope he is in a better place and not seeing all of this, all of what I have become. The only things that stay with me are the demons. I've almost made friends with them. The outside world looks at me like I am just a hopeless teenager with anger issues. 

I sort of lost a year of school (you know, the usual being in Hell and everything - not like anyone knows - maybe I am crazy) so this summer break was all I needed. I was lost in my own putrefaction. It sounds harsh, but inside I was dead. I don't think any of my organs functioned right. I would feel my heart beat so fast and then all of a sudden beat too slow until almost I could not feel my heart inside my chest. Dying was actually a relief. But there was no true dying in this situation. I would just go to Hell and be tortured for whatever. The Heaven crap was just that - crap.

I fed the cat, took a shower, put some jeans and a T-shirt, got a pair of sneakers (my favorite pair actually - blood red with gray petrol stripes and took an unusual road to a place I haven't been in ages. I was acting normal. Before I left, I felt the need to talk to Eyra: "I will let you in a secret. I am going to a very special place today, tell mom when she comes back or just randomly meow, she's too caught up in work any way." No, I don't believe the cat could actually talk. But the thought has crossed my mind. I was pretty lonely, I just didn't want to admit that out loud.

For some reason I always liked the color red so I noticed the red velvet roses around the street, the newly fresh red painted bookstore a few blocks away from home and a woman, a very beautiful woman wearing a pure red long dress - most probably she was coming back from a fancy party. She was accompanied by a tall blonde guy who was all dressed in white. They looked like blood on a white wall. For some reason he stared at me, not because I was looking better than her, but he looked at something inside me, like I had some kind of dark matter hiding behind the flesh. I felt disturbed by his look; she did not notice.

Since life did not really meant living, I was beginning to notice all kinds of details that did not matter. Finally, I was in front of the place I wanted to go. It was build from wood, it had a very particular architecture, it was build with much finesse and I did not deserve to go there. I was afraid the white painted wood doors would fill with blood when I enter or will collapse on top of me. It was getting darker as I noticed some people praying inside. Some of them looked young and some I could not distinguish, but only a contour. A feeling of peace filled for a split second my mind. Then I woke up to the remainder that peace is dead. However, I decided to enter the church.