To Be A Survivor

Chapter 31: Just Be Held

This is one of the reasons I believe in God.

I always knew this was a reason, but I never sat down and thought to myself, this is one of the reasons I'm a Christian.

But I'm thinking it now, as I stand here, staring at the pine box that holds Archie's body. Not her, her body. Archie is gone, and all that's left is this shell that has her face.

Twenty-three years old, and she's gone. I've always known life is short, and that humans are essentially very fragile creatures-I mean, one bite from a zom and we're dead-but still it's a hard thing to comprehend. Archie is gone, and she isn't coming back.

That's why I believe, because life is short and I know this can't be all there is to a soul-a person. This short life can't be all there is, because even if you do something for yourself here, the people who it's left behind to will eventually die as well, so if this life was all there is, there wouldn't be much of a point.

I believe in God, and I know I'll see Archie again, but it still hurts. It still hurts that until my life is over I'll never hear her talk again, or laugh, or say some random fact about crystallography. It hurts.

I stare at the closed casket. Of course, it's closed because of the fact that Van Ark shot her in the head twice. No one wanted to see her like that; Jaime and I didn't want to see her like that again.

I remember when we went into the building to collect her body four days ago. It was just after Van Ark and Paula left. We had to hurry so the fire wouldn't consume her body, but when we found her, lying there on the floor with blood pooling around her head... I didn't think Jaime would cry so hard that he wouldn't be able to breathe; I didn't think I would throw up until I dry heaved. I've only done that once before, excluding the days I took the medicine to heal my voice.

It was after a particularly terrible crime I committed, but it's been a long time since then. I didn't think I would ever react like that to a death again, at least, not because of my feelings of guilt.

I'm all alone in the New Canton building. Everyone else has already left, even Jaime. He was second to leave. I think it's because he blames us as well as himself for Archie's death, and he didn't want to have to see us.

The first to leave was Simon, because he's too proud to let anyone see him cry. But now everyone is gone, all going back to their business. This is, after all, a normal occurrence. It's the zombie apocalypse-of course death would be normal. It was normal even before the apocalypse, and it will be normal after.

But it still hurts.

That's the thing... when I didn't care about people-well, when I didn't care about being anyone's friend, more or less, if they died, I would feel bad, possibly feel guilty if they died on a mission with me-I always feel guilty about those types of things-but it wouldn't hurt as much. It wouldn't hurt like this.

Like Sierra, or Lem, or even Chris. I barely knew them. Of course, I still remember them. I feel the guilt and pain of their death everyday... but it didn't hurt like this does. I haven't felt this degree of pain in a long time.

I place my hand on the small pine box, sadness washing over me like waves.

"Another good runner gone."

That's what I remember Sam saying about me when I got lost that night in the zombie infested wilderness. But I ended up coming back; I lived. That's not the same here for Archie.

Tomorrow they will be burying her. They'll have a small funeral for those who want to come say goodbye and see her one last time. Although the casket will be closed, so they won't really get to see her at all.