Sincerely, Me {A Dear Evan Hansen FF}

{13}

I can't exactly describe what it's like to black out. Everything still hurt like hell.

Oh wait, I have an idea. It's kinda like floating in a black nothingness. It goes on for eternity, never ending. I felt numb all over. I couldn't move. Couldn't speak. Couldn't.. anything.

All I could remember was the horrible pain and Jared screaming. What happened to me?

Am I dead?

No. I can't be.

Being dead can't be like this. I must still be alive. Then out of no where I hear sobbing.. whose is that? It kinda sounds like a woman, no. It's my mom. Why is she crying? What happened to me?!

Mom! I'm fine!

Oh right.. I couldn't speak. Couldn't move. Couldn't anything.

~~~

It was awhile before I heard another voice. Damn it was boring just.. floating there.

"... He had kicked at the tire and started to scream at the man, saying that he killed his best friend. Connor, don't worry he's not dead."

The voice sounded like he was talking before I heard that part. He must've moved closer to me or I should probably say my body. There were also light sobs in the background. I couldn't tell whose though.. maybe my mom again..?

Wait.

He said Connor.

Connor.

Those must be his sobs. Wow. I've never heard him sob before. Why did it have to be over me? I kept listening.. well, trying.

It was a few minutes before I heard something that killed me. Ok not literally.

"Honestly Connor. I don't know, but even if he does he'll wish he died."

~~~

No.

No no no no no.

This can't be happening.

"..no." I whisper, hands holding onto my head.

"I'm sorry Connor. If he survives this, he's not going to be able to walk. His legs are shattered and even if the bones heal, his legs will be too weak to hold his weight. He won't be able to walk again." Dr. Herman says, silently walking over to me and resting his hand on my shoulder.

"ITS NOT FAIR!" I shouted, whipping my head up and looking at him. I could feel the tears still streaming down my face.

"Nothing is fair Connor. I'm so sorry. I need to go talk with his mother, on her decision." He said, taking a step to the door.

".. What d-decision..?" I ask, silently.

"He's suffering Connor. The only thing keeping him alive is the meds. If we take him off them, he'll be in hell. Living hell. It's her decision if we save him or help him."

"What do you mean?" I growl, standing up. I feel like I already know this answer deep down, but it can't be true.

"I'm asking his mom if we're going to help get him better or.. we're going to save him from the hell he's going through." He said, standing there, looking at me with pity in his eyes.

I took in a breath and let it out, then looked up at the doctor (he's taller than me) and walked up to him. His face was priceless when I slapped him hard on the cheek.

"ISN'T THE ANSWER OBVIOUS YOU ASS?! SAVE HIS FUCKING LIFE! I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM! GOD DAMMIT JUST SAVE HIM!" I screamed, sobbing.

He gingerly touched his cheek and looked at me with wide eyes.

"It's his mother's decision. I'm sorry Connor." He said, walking away from me and out the door.

I was fuming. I was a mess. A wet (not that way you perv), snotty, dead mess.

I screamed and punched a wall, over and over. Blood started to make its way down my fists. Who gives a fucking shit. I punched the walls a few more times before collapsing to the floor sobbing.

The one person who can make me smile, is dying. I don't even know if his mom is going to say if he lives or not. I hope she fucking says yes.

I stayed there for a bit before I stumbled to my feet and made my way to Evan. He looked like a corpse. I sniffled and wiped my face on my jacket. It was another black one I had, sure that was pretty unsanitary but who gives a fuck right now? I gently put my hand on his cheek, caressing it. Blood dropped onto his shirt but there was already blood on it. I slightly weeped, holding onto his cold cheek. I felt something tingle through my skin, it was cold. I flinched but continued to hold his cheek.

"I know your still in there."

That's when I noticed his (my) jacket. I weakly smiled, he was wearing my jacket again.

Leaning down, I kissed his forehead, whispering, "Keep fighting my little angel."

How could I still have tears to shed? How can I still be sobbing?

I heard the door open, then both of their voices.

"Are you sure?"

"Y-yes, I don't know what I'd do without him." I heard Mrs. Hansen sob.

I turned around and looked at them. Dr. Herman looked at my bleeding fists and shakes his head. Mrs. Hansen looked at me weird, "Why are you here? Who are you?"

I coughed, tears brimming my eyes. "I'm.. Evan's .. friend. We go to school together."

"Oh.. well.. uh, can we have a moment?"

I clenched my teeth and looked away, wiping my eyes with my jacket sleeve. "Yeah." I muttered, walking towards the door.

"Connor, wait! Your fists! Let me fix them!" I hear the doctor shout as I walk away.

I turn around and glare at him. "There is no way in hell I'm letting you touch my fists unless you get working on saving Evan's fucking life!" I growl, spinning back around and walking away.

~~~

~Fro