The Tree's Girl

Chapter Thirty Eight

"Joseph, you worry too much. Like Anna said, they are just rumors." Maria calmly said as we were once again left in the clinic.

We decided to stay there for the while day considering that we already missed more than half of the subjects, the last few subjects wouldn't affect our grade that much anyway. Within the whole day, the school nurse never came to the clinic -for reasons I couldn't care less about- so we had the place all for ourselves. 

Our only visitors were Anna and Ken who just probably went here because they were worried. They chatted us up and that was when we heard that a rumor about Maria and I being killers were a widespread in our year. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Maria told me not to worry, and she was probably right. Maybe someone just really hated us that much, maybe noone really knew about our murderous ways and maybe I was just over thinking it again. But it didn't feel right at all. 

There was no detail to that rumor at all; there was no victim's name, there was no murder weapon and there was no place of murder. Whoever said that might really just wanted to say something bad about us and the word 'killers' first came into his mind. But I couldn't seem to calm my mind.

I  just fell on the bed and sighed. Why do I feel like this? Could it be possible that I'm feeling... guilty?

I have only killed one person, and it was for the sake of survival.

I was forcing myself to believe in a lie. I killed one person, that person was my father. No matter how horrible he was, the bottom line is that I killed him and that was that. It wasn't for sake of our survival, I just really hated him! I just really wanted to kill him.

I laughed at myself. How pathetic of me. I'm actually feeling guilty. I didn't really care at first but when I heard that rumor... it just stabbed like a kinfe straight to my chest. I was a murderer.

"J-joseph?" I looked at Maria to find her staring at me with a shocked and worried expression. I could see my reflection in her eyes. It was only then when I felt the warm liquid fall down my cheeks.

In her eyes was a pathetic high school boy, crying because he made a decission he wanted to but shouldn't have. I didn't want to regret anything, I really didn't want to... but it turns out I'm human.

I can feel guilty. I can regret. I can be afraid. All because I have a concience.

Maria hugged me so gently, at first I didn't feel it but she went tighter and tighter in such a comforting manner, "Why are you crying?" she asked.

I didn't want to show ger this side of me, but i knew it was whether tell her or she'll pry it out of me. I just whispered "I'm scared."

I hugged her back to seek safety. I may not be so honest about it at first, but from the very beginning Maria was always my guardian. She always protected me. She always made me feel safe.

"We won't be found out, Joseph. As long as we don't act recklessly and as long as we control our emotions we'll be safe." she sounded so sure, but I just couldn't believe it. I know I was acting like a total pessimist... but I couldn't calm my nerves.

"And... I know you feel bad about murdering people just for the sake of our survival... but-" her voice suddenly cracked as she was unable to finish her sentence. You could tell that she was holding back her sobs, "-but it's not our fault, right? We have to do it, or else we'll die... and... I don't want to die Joseph."

She starts crying like an infant. I let her sob on my shoulder. She was afraid too. I felt the same way too. I was afraid of death since I was a child, but compared to me, she's a girl, she has been killing longer than I have and she was experiencing it all alone. For years it was only her and her alone... she has been suffering this fear for a long time.