His body visibly stiffened and his eyes widened with the sudden surprise of my question. Was it that difficult for him to believe that I would ask him a question like that? seriously?
He focused his eyes on me and slowly and steadily approached me. My heart felt like it would implode any second because it felt like my heart had gone into a miniature seizure. I hoped he’d say yes, I somehow no longer could comprehend what I would do if he said other wise. I didn’t see no reason for him to say no, he had said ‘I love you’ thousands of times before. And each one of those times I didn’t want to hear it. Homosexuality was out of the question, I didn’t need him, I hated him…or so I wanted to believed. But ever since that very first kiss there had been something inside me that steered and yearned for him for his touch. Now I wanted to know. I wanted to know whether he was just lying to me playing me like he played those girls he flirted with.
His lips slowly parted and I died with anticipation. He paused and approached me closer. A very familiar feeling of wanting to melt into the sheets over came me. I was really starting to regret asking him that question.
Why god why!
Why didn’t you stop me? I screamed.
He stood right next to me, I held my head high and didn’t dare look at his face. This felt a bit like rejection.
God I don’t think I can take this anymore..
“Do you really want to know Derek?” he finally spoke. I swallowed, my voice stuck to my throat as I nodded and asked him to continue.
“Okay…” he paused.. I could feel the ‘no’ dancing on his lips. He was going to say that all of this had been just for his amusement. His sad sad amusement.. I tightened my fists as he lowered his face closer to my ear. My heart pounded faster and faster.
“Derek…” he whispered my name.
“I. Don’t think. That I’ve ever really Loved anyone. As much as I. Love. You” he whispered. He broke each word and it killed me with anticipation.
I knew he was going to reject me I could feel my whole body just sitting on that bed, no where to run or hide. I had needles stuck into my skin.
I want to die…
What did he just say?
My face snapped to the side, my heart paused when I saw his face all too closer to mine. Coolness washed though me and made the hairs on my body stand. I blinked and stared at him helplessly with my lips dry and parted.
He chuckled, and gazed into me. It was more like through me.
“Derek..” he whispered again and held my gaze as I kept leaning backwards, away from him.
“mhhm” the noise passed my throat.
“Can I kiss you..” he continued with that soft seductive tone and leaned in further.
His sent wrapped around me. He held my gaze steadily.
I felt my face heat up.
That weird feeling of chills ran down my back and electrified over my face. I wanted to hide. why would he ask something like that!
Why would he ask for permission, at all?? Didn’t he usually just do as he pleased?
Say yes! The tiny voice inside my head screamed. My cheeks grew hotter. I knew a blush was materializing on my face with the way he was looking at me.