The Reason (Completed)

Letter 15

If ever Austin will beg for me, yes, I really did use the word 'beg' because If he'll just ask for me to talk to him, without thinking twice, I wouldn't agree. 

So yeah, If he'll ever beg for -to me, I wouldn't listen to his damn excuse! 

That, was what I'm thinking at that moment. Hahaha. Now, I would just laugh at that conflict and the memories that's been flying through my head right now. Yes, Austin made a grave damage to my heart and mind but, everybody deserves forgiveness right? I can't just give it to him that time. 

Forgiveness takes time, I guess? And acceptance. 

Actually, thanks to this, I've changed. In the most twisted way possible... You can't blame me. 

***

"Grabe naman. Kakauwi lang namin tapos eto pa sasalubong samin? Nakakahiya!" I smiled bitterly and gently held my cheeks that's been slapped by my mother. Yes. They're here. What a coincidence right? 

"Nakakahiya ka, Freah." I stared at my mother's dark eyes and smiled sadly with a hint of bitterness.

"Oo nga 'no, mommy? Nakakahiya anak niyo. Pero kasi, ang akala ko, iintindihin niyo ko t-tapos... Tapos pagtatanggol niyo ko sa mga tao," Pinunasan ko ng saglit yung luhang tumutulo sa mata ko. "But no, kayo pa yung hiyang-hiya para sa sarili niyong anak." With that, I put my head up and went upstairs.

Who would've thought that my parents and their small brat will come home right? I was a bit happy seeing them, I missed them. Pero iba nasalubong nila nung umuwi sila. The school called my house and lucky me my parents are here. 

They didn't say anything on phone. Guess they want to say it personally and let my parents watch the disgrace their daughter made. 

The day they called my parents, I was there too. Me, mom, dad, Sir Abalos. All of us inside the office. My dad went out of the office as soon as he noticed that there's something 'wrong' with the video. But my mom? My mom stayed as I saw her tears falling down. I was heartbroken when I saw her tears, so I patted her back, but she slapped my hands away, she stood up and slapped me infront of Sir Abalos who's been shocked.

Sir Abalos let mom see the video and... Well, he told us that I'll be kicked out. They didn't even believe me that Austin is the guy! 

Since the day I promised myself to close my heart, Austin was begging to have me back. But  no damn words can bring me back and ease the fcking pain. 

"Freah! Buksan mo 'to!" Katok ng katok si mommy sa pintuan ko para buksan ko. Ugh. Can't she see that I want to be alone?! 

"Ugh! Ano ba!?" Padabog kong binuksan yung pintuan ko habang nakasimangot sakanya.

"Wag kang sumigaw." I frowned. Lahat na lang, bawal! 

"Aalis tayo bukas, pupunta tayong school mo." 

"Okay." 

Alam ko naman kung bakit kailangan pa namin pumunta sa school. Kaso, bakit kailangan kasama pa ko? I mean, I'm done with the glares and such. And, sawang-sawa na ko makita si Austin na nagmamakaawa. Oo, mahal ko pa siya. But, the freaking damage has been done and It would only leave a scar. 

Humiga ako sa kama ng maraming iniisip...

"Freah, kunin mo na gamit mo sa locker, kakausapin ko muna mga teacher mo." Tumango na lang ako kay mommy tapos ay umalis na ko.

Naglakad ako sa hallway ng maraming studyante ang nakatingin sakin. Tss. Pathetic. So I'm a celebrity now huh? 

I was already near my locker when somebody held my arms. 

Ahh... His touch... I know him. I really do. 

Humarap ako sakanya ng may blangkong mukha. 

"Ano ba?" I asked, emotionless. 

"Freah..." I stared at him. He looked vulnerable. He looked... He looked so weak...

"Please, give me another chance... I'm sorry, I want you back, baby." Lumunok ako kasi parang may bukol sa lalamunan ko at handang-handa na yung mata kong umiyak. 

I laughed at him. I looked at him but his eyes were in the urge of crying too. Damn. Ang daya mo! Nung nakita ko yung mata niyang parang iiyak na, tingin ko, bibigay na ko. Pero hindi, hindi ako bibigay. Masyado akong nasaktan. 

"Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sayong hindi? Austin, sinaktan mo ko. Hell, I was damaged! You weren't there when I was crying! You weren't there when people would give me pitiful eyes and deathly glares! You... You weren't there when I needed you the most, Austin..." Damn. My voice is cracking. 

Slowly, my tears were falling, so is his. We were both shedding tears for each other. Hopefully, this would be the last...

"Alam mo bang nung araw na nalaman ko yun kung ilang beses akong nagdasal? I prayed that God was playing a joke on me. I prayed, Austin... I prayed because I know you wouldn't do such a thing. But what? Nakalimutan ko nga palang pinaglalaruan talaga ako ng Diyos. God was playing a trick on me all along! And I didn't know you were part of the game his playing... 

"Pero p*tang*na lang. The moment I saw you, you turned your back against me! Hindi mo ba alam kung gano kasakit talikuran ng taong mahal mo? Yung taong pinagkatiwalaan mo at pinangakuan ka na po-protektahan ka? Austin... You wouldn't know. Because I never had a plan to turn my back against you. But you? I can't believe it..." 

I covered my eyes with my hands. Damn these tears! I hate it! I hate it that I cried for the guy who wrecked me. I hate the fact that I still love him...

"Freah..." Slowly, I turned to him and saw that he's crying his eyes out. A part of me wants to brush the tears off and hug him but there's a part of me that's happy. 

"Sorry... Alam kong walang magagawa yung sorry ko pero, sorry. Oo, wala ako dun nung umiiyak ka at tang*na! Ang tanga tanga ko no? Hindi lang kita sinaktan, dinungisan ko pa pagkatao mo. Ang totoo kasi niyan, you were played by me..." Parang tumigil ako sa paghinga nung narinig ko yung huli niyang sinabi.

I stared at him.

He... He played with my feelings! 

"Kung inaakala mong pinaglaruan ko nararamdaman mo, hindi. Every I love you's are true. Believe me... You were played because you were too innocent. Hindi mo alam na binugbog ko yung mga kaibigan ko pagtapos kitang nakitang umiyak sa harap ko. Gustong-gusto kitang lapitan nun. Kaso... Duwag ako. Sorry... Tang*na. Ang duwag ko... 

"Pero please naman, bumalik ka na sakin. Or atleast let me earn you again..." 

Parang tumigil yung oras dahil sa mga nalaman ko. Ano daw? Pakiramdam ko, sa sobrang dami ng nasabi niya, hindi na naproseso sa utak ko lahat. Pero isa lang yung alam kong gawin, I slapped him. 

"You won't have me back, Austin." I smiled bitterly at him. 

"You won't have me back even if you beg on your knees. You won't get my heart back. Kasi hanggang ngayon nasa'yo parin..." I whispered. Tumingala naman ako para makita siya at parang lumiwanag yung mukha niya.

"Fr--" Pinutol ko kung ano man sasabihin niya.

"But remember this, once I have it back. I won't even let you near it. Ever again. Damaged has been done, Austin. No words nor action would have me back." I smirked. 

"Goodbye, Austin. This would be the last." I smiled at him. This time, It's genuine.

I turned away from him and walked away. I turned my back from the memories...

Stone heart, Freah. No one can hurt you like that.