Seconds of sadness

Chapter 11: a story of grief.

I should tell you this, it's an impact on my life that no one knows about. No one. When I was 9, I was the victim of a vicious sexual assault by a friend's older brother. For years after that I was depressed. I kept it a secret, and was afraid to tell anyone for fear of being ostracized and treated differently. I felt alone, and since I had no one to talk to about it, I suffered in silence. When I was 15, I made a conscious decision to take my own life.

I knew that my mum kept a knife in her nightstand. It was a Saturday in the spring, and my family went to the local fair for the afternoon. I took my mums knife to our back patio and readied myself. As I was taking the knife out of its cage, I heard a car pull into my parents' driveway. This spooked me, so I hid the knife, and found out it was my aunt coming to drop something off. After she left I put the knife back, went into the house, and cried. I saw it as a sign from God that I was not meant to die that day. I was still extremely bothered by what had happened to me as a child. A few years later, with the help of a friend, I was able to tell my mum about the assault. What helped me the most through my feelings and stages of utter despair was talking to other survivors who had been the victims of similar attacks.

There are many people who have been assaulted as children, I came to find out. I initially talked to a friend's sister who had been sexually abused as a child, as well. Over the years I have talked to many other people, and it was so uplifting to know that I was not alone. For me, the cure was talking to others. No matter how bad it may seem, or how alone you may feel, others are there to help.

By the grace of God and good people, I was able to get through that trying time in my life. Or was I. I thought I was because of nick and I told people it was all good. It wasn't at all and nick wasn't making me happy. He made me tell everyone we were happy and he was perfect but he wasn't. He hurt me and made me lie about it all and I had to lie to everyone I knew. Everyone even my own mum and I can't explain my hatred for nick now. I can't believe what you did, its unbelievable you made me like to my whole family and how could I respect a liar?

It's sam now, I need to finish this because you need to know that nick pushed Ruby. She didn't jump, she was peacefully stranded at the top and nick pushed her. You probably don't understand because she told you before she jumped that she was going to. It was a cover up, nick didn't want to be exposed and I have proof he did it. I have a video so that's why this whole book and that video is getting sent to the police. Even if I will be taken away for this book, it's worth it. Getting you the pain you deserve because you caused this all. Ruby wouldn't be dead if it weren't for you, you better watch your back. I'm coming for you not to hurt you physically but to ruin our life. Socially. The worst way possible. Nick, your lies are going to contribute to the rest of your life. In prison.