Seconds of sadness

Chapter 4: the watchful

Right, here comes the dreaded part of my writing. The part where I have to explain to you all how I was watched.

It was the start of year 8 and Stacey told everyone where I lived and people started showing up there asking for me "to do something with my life".' My mum then started to realize it wasn't funny and that it was just bullying. But that wasn't enough, of course. There was a high wall next to the window of my bedroom and if you sat on the wall you could see into my room. So they took this as an advantage and started watching and filming me. Oh and by the way me and Tony were dating for 6 months so I cried a lot when he died. They started filming me as soon as tony died so, they got a lot of footage of me crying and pouring my heart out onto my computer. So once the videos were taken and put onto a USB, they broadcasted them all through the school. It was embarrassing and humiliating but teachers were concerned. They asked me why I was crying so much, I told them it was because I missed Tony and then they made me sign up for counseling for 3 months. It didn't help at all, it was just 2 hours of crying every week and it was hard to watch them try help me. After I finished counseling they asked me to do it regularly and I politely turned them down. I didn't want them to know everything about my life because then they'd be worried. And let's be honest why should anyone actually care about me and how I live?

I feel like I should die. I feel like there's no purpose for myself anymore, I don't want to be taking up space on this world when no one wants me here anyway. I'm losing friends, Adam hates me and I don't know why. I don't want to fight with anyone. I miss my old friends and the amount of fun I used to have compared to now and I miss Tony. Tony. I cry every time I think about him and then there's times when someone asks me about him in school and I can't anymore. I feel like my heart stops. I start seeing his face through my eyes and his corpse. I don't know what to do with my life. My dreams have been crushed. My dad said I'll never make it to be a professional netballer, netball is my only purpose in life. I love it, but it includes people that don't want to be with me, they rather see me die then for me to me with them. I want to live a happy life but I don't know how. I've been bullied before and I'm scared of people that try to reign over my head and I feel as if the ground won't hold my weight anymore. My dad once started talking about my old form and strangely this over-whelming sadness came over me, I just wanted to jump off the balcony like when I attempted to before. So I walked away from my dad and he got angry with me and I came back with tears in my eyes. He doesn't understand that I was teased and hurt and he doesn't know why I left my form. No one does and I don't want everyone to know how I was treated and how I felt as an individual. I told my mum lies and I finally moved forms. And now I'm in a nice form with nice people that I can't appreciate because all I want to do is die and I can't stay with these happy people who don't realize they've got the best of it. I really can't take it. My name is Ruby Howard and I am depressed. I'll always be depressed. It's hard to cure and it gets the better of us and it's not a disease. It's a curse.

I don't understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your bet friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy can turn into your best friend.how forever turns into a few short months that you'd do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you said you couldn't live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once said they wanted to spend their whole life with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it's easier than working things out.

I was off school for these two days and I realized that some people actually care about my well being. I was shocked and over-whelmed. I feel like it's all getting better like it's not all down hill from here. But then I got anonymous message saying "thank god you're sick. Hope you die of cancer" and it all came back. The reality of my life and how much of a cruel joke it all is. I've never come to the perspective staying alive past my 20s, I've never thought of still staying on this fucked up world. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe me feeling this way is gods why of saying get the fuck out of here. Or is me telling myself to do that? I'll never properly be okay. I never will. I know that and I don't expect for people to like me or for people to appreciate me. I'm self-centered I know that. I'm stupid, bad at everything and an ass hole- I know all this. I know I cry too much and I know no one rlly cares. So why do people have to keep telling me this? I've never told anyone about my massive meltdown on the Germany trip, I guess it never came up. But I need to talks about it. I lost my passport on the trip and my teacher came into my room and called me disgraceful and a right mess. I took it hard and had a massive panic attack. I had no source of pain and yet I felt like my lungs were giving in. I was hyperventilating and thinking of too much shit to even think about breathing properly. It's the longest panic attack/ breakdown I had. It lasted a very long time and I never told anyone about it. But maybe it's time I do. Or is it?