Seconds of sadness

Chapter 9: an explanation

It was all to much for me, for me to stay and that's why I did what I did. You're probably confused because I'm dead. Well I didn't finish explaining everything and I plan to finish it all anywhere so I should finish this too.

Nick, none of this was your fault but I was hurt and you contributed to it. When you upset it hurt me the most, my emotions couldn't control myself either cousin your hand... you said you loved me but you abused me. You punched me, smacked me and swallowed me into your puzzle. Your lie. You told everyone you were in love with me but you weren't because you actually physically hurt me. And mentally. I loved you and I always will but when you wrapped your hands around my neck, tore my ego and shattered my dreams by telling me about yours. Ruined each and everyone of my days, I'm telling everyone now because well I wanted then to know how it feels when you sentimentally get attached to someone and they turn out to me the cause to the worst of it all. You're welcome. For telling the painful truth, for not being blunt and for lying. You just need to find out where I lied, and why I lied.

I'll start from the first lie, the lie that started my depression. The lie when I told everyone my brother had cancer. I told everyone this because I wasn't popular and I wanted some attention, but when I cold everyone they went home and told their parents who tweeted prayers for tom and my mum shouted at me for it. I then lied about why my dad wasn't there, I told everyone he went to the army. They still all think that but the truth is, he abused me and sexually harassed me and my mum told the police and now he's in jail. But everyday closer to him coming out I got even more scared. That's why I killed myself the day before he came out because I couldn't stand it. What if prison didn't change him and he's still the man he was before? What if he was expecting me to like him or for me not to he there at all? It's a risk I'm never gonna take because if I did it could all come back. The nightmares and waking up to the awful words of my distfunctional torture.

I didn't tell you about everything, my counseling sessions and the times I didn't come out my room for days because I couldn't look at the world. I couldn't look at the world because you all were in it. Stacey, sam, nick, tom and Karina. We definitely weren't meant to be together. I just didn't fit into my nerve-racking, stupid family and school. I never wanted to be able to say I was "popular" or "happy". I'm glad I'm gonna do what I'm about to do. Death, I can't wait. As you're reading this I'm already dead and sam is posting this. But as I'm writing this of course I'm still alive and you thought me dying was interesting wait until I have the guts to write it all, explain it and tell you about me crying too much over you. You know who you are and no I'm not being dramatic. You killed me, you actually did. Not mentally, physically. It wasn't me jumping off it was you pushing me, you told me you were going to push me because you wanted to be something you're not. I didn't say no but I didn't say yes so thanks, thanks for killing me without permission.