Seconds of sadness

Chapter 2: goodbye Tony.

It wasn't long until I realized what tony had was real. Everyday he plastered that same fake smile on. It almost hurt to look at him because you could just tell the pain he was going through. He was one of my best friends, we used to skim rocks on the beach after school, neither one of us ever missed one day of the beach. And then he stopped coming and he stopped pretending in school, he wore his normal saddened face everyday for the rest of the year. I saw him in the halls occasionally and we mutually exchanged stares and a "hello" or a "what's up". He came to one of the famous jocks parties and we all got to realize his depression when he tried drowning himself in the pool. But no one thought much of it. There was no sign of him at school for the rest of the week. No one knew what had happened until I found him. In an old alley way where most suicides take place. Lying on the floor knife in one hand deep wounds in the other. Dead. He was dead. The school realized they were unaware of the capability teenagers have of hurting people. A few days after he was found the school added a suicide program. It was ridiculous to think they didn't already have one. I miss him. I think we all do. Stacey, the life of the school. Cheerleader, dating a jock and the most popular girl in school. We used to be friends and when we were, she used to tell me I was worthless and stupid. Now all she says is "come support us on the Friday night game!". She doesn't know what sadness is. All she's ever been is happy, she's never had the chance to be sad. Until I made it possible. They basketball team were on a winning streak, the cheerleaders team couldn't be better, or could they? I made sure that Stacey's shoes were extra slippy so when she was lifted into the air as part of the cheer. She would end up on the floor: probably with a few broken bones. It didn't work. She was immediately sent to hospital after falling and the next day was announced alright to go home. She landed on her leg and bruised her muscle. No one ever found out I did it. Except her. And everyday she tries to do the same to me. She makes my life worse than what it already is. I never thought that was possible but Stacey made sure it was. She started spreading rumors saying I was dating a 10 year old and that I still make musical.lys and that I wasn't going to stay at the school because theres no hot teachers. None of this was true. Im free of that now. Stacey was sent to boarding school after getting 7 U's in her tests. But she still messaged me telling me to die. That's why I'm done. I rlly am. I can't bare the pain any longer. Recently I've been thinking about it. The wave of relief rushing over me as I fall and the feelings I have as I jump. It would be the happiest thing ever. But I don't want someone to go through the pain I've been through and that's what will happen if I jump. But for my sake I want to. What do I choose between? A dreading life with people that love me but I will never realize because I'm too busy worrying about myself or the end. The end of being bullied, the end of panic attacks and most importantly the end of everything. No more hard feelings. No more "better luck next times" just nothing. The satisfactory of nothing. I want it but it's not what people want for me. My parent want me to do things and have the opportunities they didn't. My friends want me to be happy only the ones that know. Which is one. I say someone else is my best friend when really she isn't. Someone else is but I'm not his best friend. So what the point? I love him but do I even know what love is? The worst thing about it all is I don't know. And that people would love to be me but I wouldn't. Why can't someone else take my life and use it for good? I'll be someone else. Someone who's different and cares about their own life and others too. "Before I save someone else, I've got to save myself".